Fear, Faith, and Fighting

Hello!  I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to go to church.  It was a nice sermon and I enjoyed the peopling and the apple my godmother gifted me.  I love Granny Smith Apples, they are my favourite.  Also, they are the only ones I’ll eat.

When I first started seeing my psychiatrist, I was adamant that I was only there for my medications.  We argued (and I lost) because she also wanted me to do therapy, preferably DBT stuff.  I did not.  For the first few visits with her, and for the first several months with Charon, there was constant obstinance and ineffective willfulness on my part to fully engage.  I recall there being constant talks about having a stable foundation and needing a good therapy and coping skills in order to effectively change my life, rather than just using medications as a quick fix.

Simply put, I wanted to take a magic pill that would make me better and not have to work on anything because DBT sucked when I had tried it previously and I was so fucked up therapy was going to be a complete waste of time.  Additionally, I would have straight up quit taking all my medications and not gone to therapy had I not liked my psychiatrist or Charon.  I didn’t work well with people I didn’t like and would refuse to cooperate if I felt wronged.  I still do that sometimes, but not as badly as I have in the past.

So for the past year, I had gone to individual therapy most weeks and I’d gone to my monthly medication appointments and I’d gone to DBT group almost every Wednesday with very few absences.  I wasn’t the most willing or cooperative and I refused to participate at first but I did get better. By the end of my time in group, I worked hard on what I could and did my best to understand things I didn’t understand.  I participated and tried not to be too distracting or off topic.

(I’m going to be honest, I get off topic a lot.  Especially when I’m verbally communicating.)

The first November I was seeing Charon, back in 2015, I told her I’d tell her about the Thing in 2016 if she remembered to ask me about it.  She did not remember, but I did and felt like I made a promise so I told her the gist of it.  And she mentioned Stage 2 DBT.  Stage 2 DBT is “Trauma Recovery”, or “Recovery from Trauma”, as I like to put it because the first wording makes it seem like I’m on some sort of expedition to regain trauma and that’s not what I want to associate this with.

We’ve talked about it now and again since I graduated group back on Yule.  And tomorrow is the official starting point.  This is where I am right now.  This is what this entire journey is about.  Reclaiming my life from that Soul Mold of trauma.

And as I’ve mentioned quite frequently lately, I am fucking terrified.  I feel like the so called “foundation” of DBT, the group and learning, has adequately prepared me for the next step in my adventure.  I want to crawl under my blankets and snuggle with Neko-chan and never ever EVER have to deal with anything or face my fears.  I want to be blissfully existing in the Avoidance Abyss.

But that’s not where I want my life to be this time next year, in five years, when I’m old and gray, when I get married, have kids, take over the world and nuke Australia because fuck Drop Bears and those snakes and spiders and the emus.  Especially the emus.

I don’t want to continue allowing myself to have Soul Mold and letting it fester and grow.  I’m not content with that.  I want my life to be free from the suffering of my past so I can look with forward to all the adventure life has to offer, without holding myself back.

Right now, I am shackled to my fear. Anything and everything that I don’t like or I don’t want to talk about or that scares me, I avoid.  I don’t talk about it, I don’t acknowledge it.  I will change the topic or leave the place.

My current TVP (Tunnel Vision Project) has a lot to do with learning about spirituality practices and how everything is connected.  It’s about taking my own Soul Seed and discovering what I want my life to be about.  I’m on an adventure of spirituality and faith and discovery and it’s lots of fun and it’s a lot of hard work.

It’s made all the harder by my resistance to healing my past hurts.  How can I open up myself to the amazing and awesome connections of the world around me if I refuse to connect with myself?  I feel closed off and isolated and I haven’t taken any steps to rectify that, to create and strengthen the threads of fate that bind us all.

There’s a lot of fear and shame that holds me back.  My own inner demons that I need to battle with now.  I mean, it’s only natural that I feel those things, right?  It’s normal and expected to feel those things, right?

I can be scared.  I can petrified, even.  I can look at all this shit and really just want to nope the fuck out and run and hide.

It’s what I’m about to do, what I’m prepared and still technically preparing and probably never be fully prepared to do, that matters.

To take a deep breath.

Reach deep inside my spirituality and faith to give myself strength, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

And fight.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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10 thoughts on “Fear, Faith, and Fighting

  1. I am reminded of the mantra that is often used in the fantastic scifi book, DUNE.

    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.

    I know that’s all easier said than done but in the past I have seen my fear almost walking alongside me, sometimes and unwelcome companion and sometimes as a friend who is there to protect me. But visualising that fear helped me walk away from it at times and once I walked away I was no longer able to be affected by it as it was no longer there. Fear would eventually catch up with me from time to time, but because it was not a constant nagging bore I would turn around when I heard it, smile at it, nod politely and know that it was just passing through.

    I also think I benefitted from learning that fear is not an outside force. Only WE can create it. The things that we fear do not make the fear, we put that on ourselves.

    Again, we all carry our own burdens and are fighting our own fights and it is never that easy but I hope some or any of this helps

    Liked by 1 person

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