Can any of you relate to feeling like an utter failure and piece of shit because that’s how you were treated growing up? (My birthday was fine, by the way. I was too overwhelmed to post yesterday.)
I got some bags of chips and I portioned them out into little sandwich bags of 100 calories a piece for easy snackage. Well, tiny sandwich bags of chips will settle overnight and make the paper bag they’re in look not so full. Okaasan commented on how the bag looked emptier and I got upset. It’s an eating disorder thing that I don’t like people commented on my food or how much I may or may not have eaten. And I’ve said that time and time again to her. I’ve been dealing with body image and eating disorder shit since I was a little kid. This isn’t a new thing for me to be telling her that hey, yeah, talking to me about how much I’ve eaten makes me feel bad, please don’t do that.
And she did it again. And when I told her that sorry isn’t good enough and that I don’t want to hear that she’ll try because she always says that and so it’s an empty promise, she got all butthurt because I called her on her bullshit. She tried to make it seem like she’s the victim.
I ended up calming down and when I went back to talk to her about it when I was chill, she said I was attacking her and not letting the subject drop. I was trying to make sure she understood. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t because she was making it about her. No, this is my issue. This isn’t about her, this is about me.
I ended up going on a tirade because it’s very hard for me to talk to people about eating disorder stuff, moreso when I’m trying to talk to her because she never acts like she cares. I’m not saying she doesn’t care, I’m saying she acts like it. Although, if we’re being honest, it’s pretty much the same thing.
Growing up, I was constantly treated like shit. My feelings and opinions were dismissed and I was never good enough. I’m an adult now and I’m trying to get decent boundaries and one of the hardest boundaries I have, all across the board, with every relationship I have, is that no one can comment on my food because it makes me feel ashamed and fat.
I guess my biggest issue is that I still don’t like myself. I went to therapy to try and like myself and I don’t feel like I have the basic rights of compassion and understanding. Everyone deserves compassion and understanding and I’m the special snowflake that doesn’t. And I know I whine a lot. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m probably seen as an ungrateful shit who verbally accosts her mum on a monthly basis.
I just thought things would be different. I’m behaving better, so maybe I’d be treated better. Nope. My family still treats me like shit. My dad doesn’t even acknowledge my existence and my brothers both forgot my birthday yesterday and I can’t even get my mother, whom I live with, to not fucking comment on my junk food consumption.
It makes me sad that I’ve always come last. Nothing I ever do seems to make my family treat me better and I know that it’s their loss because I’m fucking awesome amazing fun sauce.
It makes me sad that I long for the days of living with my ex because at least then I was with someone who acknowledged me and made me feel useful. I just feel like a useless loser here.
I can’t move out because there’s no place I can go. I’m on disability because I can’t function in a regular job like Walmart or anything that requires moderate interaction with people. Or loud noises. Or wide spaces. Or people constantly talking. Or bright lights. Or manual labor because I have back problems and asthma and allergies.
I don’t want to die. I have no plan or desire to kill myself. I’m not suicidal in any way shape or form. I don’t want to not exist because I like my cat too much and I just got a new stuffed Panda I named Phillip.
I want to be treated like a person and not live in such a terrible environment.