Tired Struggle

I’m struggling right now.  I’m wanting to quit and give up and make a pillow fort and just read for the rest of my miserable existence.

I’m tired of feeling fat and feeling anxious all the time.

I’m tired of getting so worked up and activated that I go nonverbal and can’t get words out.

I’m tired of not being able to find the right words to fit in my mouth when I’m speaking to people.

I’m tired of not knowing how to talk about the hard stuff.

I’m tired of resorting to “I don’t know” and “ask me later”.

I’m tired of saying “I’m fine” because no one gives a damn about the truth.

I’m tired of always being told what to do.

I’m tired of feeling invalid and useless.

I’m tired of seizures and twitches and spazzes and random facial tics.

I’m tired of hating myself most days and loving myself others.

I’m tired of being told that I am a lady and need to act like it.

I’m tired of being told to be assertive, but then getting told that I’m being aggressive when I am assertive.

I’m tired of not knowing if I’m hungry or in pain.

I’m tired of getting dismissed because I’m ‘young’.

I’m tired of people treating me like a little kid.

I’m tired of acting like a little kid.

I’m tired of the nightmares.

I’m tired of the dreams.

I’m tired of the flashbacks.

I’m tired of the triggers and the avoidance and the blame and the shame.

I’m tired of being told that it gets better and that I’ll get over it.

I’m tired of being told that I’m a sinner.

I’m tired of the hypocrisy.

I’m tired of being me.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m just…

Tired.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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