Hey all. I am not really doing better. I am depressed. I’ve hardly left my bed unless I’ve had to. I feel so proud of myself right now because I ate a salad instead of junk food for the first time in I think over a week.
I don’t know why I’m depressed. Maybe it’s the realization that I can’t have kids and the only time I got pregnant was when I was raped. Or remembering all the times my family has called me worthless and useless and fat when I was a kid.
Maybe it’s my dad choosing not to have a relationship with me because I’m gay and calling me horrible names. Maybe it’s my brother choosing to have a relationship with him and not keeping to his word. Maybe it’s my mum’s depressing view on LGBT+ rights and the community in general.
Maybe it’s my eating disordered shit and how I view myself with disgust anytime I look in the mirror. The body dysmorphia that eats away at my psyche so I can no longer truly see me for me. The refusal to accept that I’m not as fat as I think I am because fat is all I ever was and all I’ll ever be.
Maybe it’s the loneliness that comes with having only online friends and anxiety whenever I leave the house. The extreme isolation that comes from not being able to handle sensory issues and having a very limited diet.
Maybe it’s the nightmares that can’t be stopped. I’ve tried. I’ve even succeeded in changing the story. Now, instead of being complacent and timid, I say no and stand up for myself. And still the bad things happen. Waking up in a cold sweat, afraid to fall asleep, paralyzed. The haunting images still dancing in my mind’s eye.
Maybe it’s the wanting to be happy and wanting to let myself feel loved and cared for, without the instant inner commentary of “what do they want from me” “when are they going to hurt me” “I don’t deserve this” “no one truly could love me” “I’m worthless and so this person is delusional”.
I’m hollow and empty. I want to just let myself go adventure without letting anxiety hold me back. I wish that I didn’t feel so broken and tainted and lonely. Unworthy of even the basic of human rights.
And the thing is, the thing that makes this all worse, is that I know I’m lying to myself. I know that I’m letting myself sink back into that fog and that none of these things are true. I come at this logically and state the facts and still, still my brain doesn’t let up. I go back to being depressed.
I’m sad or apathetic most of the time. Sure, I’ll laugh, I’ll let out a smile. Long term, I feel nothing but the darkness that hides my inner light. And I feel like that should scare me.
But it doesn’t.
-The Sarcastic Autist