Depression Check-In: Not Dead

All I fucking do is sleep and ignore people.  Okay, I only ignore some people.  Little bit of news on the dating front, I met this chick, who for the sake of this blog, I’m going to call Flapjack because she’s adorable as fuck and loves adventure as much as I do.  We also both have horrible social anxiety.  Simply awful.  And she thinks I’m cute.  And adorable.  And so cuddlable.  She lives across the pond in the UK.  She’s pretty and awesome and all sorts of rawr.  We met through this blind date match-up thing one of the reddit communities I’m in had.  We’ve been talking almost everyday.  I’m planning on asking her out on a skype date soon.  (Side note: can anyone tell me when it’s time to disclose the HFA/Autism thingy?  I already did because I’m blunt and honest, I’m just wondering though.  Just in case for future reference.)

I think I’m getting a cold.  I’ve been sneezy drippy congested a bit.  Sniffling.  My head has been switching between regular headache bad and moderate migraine bad.  I’ve been sleeping a lot.  I feel stagnant living with my mum and I’m pretty sure it’s feeding my depression being here.

Charon thinks so too.  She suggested I move out and I told her that I tried but I’m fucking stupid.  I don’t understand forms and I was dropped from case management with the place I was with prior to living with Okaasan.  The reason I haven’t reached out to get a new one is because the county case management in this county, whom I’ve dealt with before, were a bunch of assholes.  Didn’t listen to me about my complaints of abuse from my mum.  It’s amazing how much people will ignore abuse targeted at adults.

In all fairness, for the record, Okaasan isn’t physically abusive anymore.  The last time she got physical with me I told her that if she ever touched me again, I’d kill her.  This was many years ago and I want to state, again for the record, I can’t kill an ant without feeling immense guilt.  I also don’t want to hurt anyone.  She still tries gaslighting me and she’s still pretty emotionally and verbally abusive at times.  But hey, free rent, right?

I had a dream that Flapjack had chased me down and was about to assault me because I tried to set up boundaries.  In my dream, she said that I don’t deserve boundaries.  Obviously, this was a dream and I’m perfectly aware it was a dream.  I made sure that I didn’t withdraw/recoil from her just because of my dream.  I want to bring it up with Charon but we’re supposed to start workbook stuff next week, for the exposure therapy.  I figure I can just make a bullet list of issues I have and we can work from that or something.

I am bouncing back and forth between actively engaging in ED behaviour and actively trying to be in recover for that shit.  It’s exhausting.  I have no appetite and I hate my body.  I have such dysmorphia now, it’s not even funny.  How do I know it’s dysmorphia?  Because not everyone can be lying.  Numbers don’t lie.  My skin is getting tighter.  And I woke up the other day and freaked out because I saw my arm as thin for the first time and thought I was dying.  I’m back to seeing them as giant sausages, but it really freaked me out.  I’m so delusional it’s scary.  My own brain is terrifying me right now.

I have no passion for anything right now.  I feel so empty.  I got news from my physical therapist that I’m going to need to wear an ankle brace for any physical activity in order to prevent fucking it up again.  That means no more yoga.  I’m going to switch to calisthenics, but it’s so depressing.  I loved yoga.

I don’t know.  That’s enough ranting for today.  I just want to go back to bed and pretend I don’t hate myself.

-The Sarcastic Autist


4 thoughts on “Depression Check-In: Not Dead

  1. Is ok sometimes to need space to just rest and recharge and ignore people. Especially if it helps, but if makes worse try to contact someone even if all you can say is hi. Is exciting of flapjack. I’m like the name, pancake is mine favorite. You know it’s weird but me to has that problem, me knows me am small am less than 130 and can still fit kids clothes but mine brain tells me am big. Brains can be silly like that. Super good job on not let’s the bad dream mess up the new relationship. Am sorry she is abuse but super glad her not physical no more. Getting a place is a hard thing but maybe if you make a good friend online that can helps or move to? Or email places with case workers to talk to instead of call? Me has been has hard time try find ways exercise to with the MS so bad and now with the thing on my leg. Me has been watch gonoodle and do some short fun videos from that even if can only move mine arms and head some but also has relax videos to. Am ask YouTube for adapted yoga ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

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