I know, I’m getting to be real terrible about blogging regularly again. I had put myself into stagnation because I was breaking apart. So much change. So many new things starting and old things stopping and new growth opportunities and places to finally bury my past.
Part of my Autism is having problems communicating effectively with people. My brain will often shut down and I won’t be able to find the proper words. I am a complete mess when it comes to making and maintaining eye contact and knowing what facial expressions and body language mean. Idioms will often go over my head and you can almost hear the whoosh noise.
Then there’s how I process things. I will often make weird noises (or attempt to refrain from making weird noises) or come up with weird on the spot phrases. Example: My cat was bothering me one night and I said to her “you say tomato and I say potato and that’s why we don’t have any onion soup”. To me, it meant that we were both on our own thing and at odds, not being able to find a good compromise or solve the problem at hand.
There are times where I will come up with some really brilliant sayings such as “I am not in charge of the sea, only the boat” or “I find my courage at the end of cold, crooked rainbows”. Things that are easier for the lay person to understand.
It takes me time to process things people tell me. I have to carefully listen to each word and phrase and make sure I’m not missing anything. Something I’ve gotten good at is saying “Help me understand please”.
But I think part of the reason I hadn’t been blogging, reading, actively participating in therapy, or doing anything communicative lately is I haven’t been able to find the right way to communicate that, I’m not okay.
I mean, I am okay. I have a wonderful girlfriend who is so understanding. A very patient therapist and even more patient friends who care and love me. I’m not sick. I’m not dying o suicidal or have any broken bones or huge injuries. Mentally, I’m not really all that depressed anymore.
But I’m not okay. I have so many body image issues and delusions about how I look and how I really am. I read Eating in the Light of the Moon and I’m all gung-ho about this disordered eating recovery thing but I am not okay with it. I am not okay with constantly questioning what my body is telling me. I’m not okay with not wanting to eat or wanting to just eat all the things and then puke up all the things. I’m not okay with crying over a bowl of french fries. I’m not okay with the panic that rises every time I think about what I’m eating and how much and how often and where and who with and why.
I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. I had been doing so well and then yesterday I hardly ate at all. I woke up this morning with the low blood sugar shakes. I’ll ignore my hunger if I want to accomplish a task.
I realized I have the same sort of mindset with relationships. I want to please everyone and I have so many insecurities. “Please don’t hate me because I have a different opinion on this show.” “Please don’t judge me for what I classify as a meal.” “I will force myself to do this thing you like so you can like me, just like I will shove food in my face hole because I’m supposed to eat.”
It kind of begs the question for me, should I be working on the disordered eating or the disordered communication or the disordered relationships? How could I work on all 3? Is that even possible? Am I so messed up that nothing will ever be normal? How can anyone tolerate this broken, dirty mess I am?
It’s when I start getting overwhelmed with these kinds of thoughts that I take a mental step back and just stop. Breathe. Realize. Empathize.
Such a weird thing to have been so helpful.
-The Sarcastic Autist