Okay, let’s talk about love for a moment here. I don’t know what love is like for a non-autistic, or even for most autistics. Pretty much, I know what I feel and that’s that. That and what I’ve seen on the tellie or read from books.
So, let’s start out by saying, I fall hard. I tend to fall fast too. And then I get weird and co-dependent and it really is awful. Don’t want that to happen this time. Lots of boundaries. Redrawing of boundaries. Discussing of boundaries. Communication of everything. Openness. Honesty. Authenticity.
And I feel like a school girl, still. The thought of Flapjack makes me smile and I only want her happiness and I want my happiness too. Healthy and happy. For the both of us.
I’m trying just to get back into the habit of blogging. And Charon is out for a month with her surgery. And I am feeling anxious and alone. I never realized how much I liked just getting out once a week. I’m going to try and go for more walks when the allergens outside aren’t as bad. So many drugs for my allergies this year. So many. Also weird cramp things randomly.
I’ve noticed something in this relationship though.
Before, with my Ex-fiance (Yes, I was engaged to that bitch for a bit), I would say “I’m doing this for you because I want to” because I was seeking love and acceptance and belonging, even if I didn’t necessarily think what I was doing was good for my health, like letting her hurt me for drugs or lying to people or stealing. She actually encouraged me to do these things. Convinced me that it was normal. That she loved me and so she was trying to “fix me” and get me to do what she wanted me to.
With Flapjack, I say no to things I’m not comfortable with and, while I seek approval on some things, it’s not for love and acceptance and belonging, it’s more of a second opinion on something and then we can discuss it. And when I say “I want to do this for you because I think it’d be fun”, I say it because I’m curious and I actually want to do it, and she never asks me to do anything that’s dangerous to my health. She’s always letting me know that I can say no. And she loves and accepts me for me. Which is a weird concept for me.
And how can you not love someone like that? Who is compassionate and kind like that? Who does have some flaws because we all do, although I accept and love her in spite of them. She’s a pretty amazing girl. I can’t wait to meet her in the flesh. Because right now all we do is text. She lives in England after all.
Anyways. Night meds are kicking in. Thanks everyone for being here and being awesome. Especially juanspinkelephant and ToadieOdie.
-The Sarcastic Autist