I’ve been sick. So very stupidly sick. I guess maybe sick isn’t the right word, but I’ve been having a rough go of it lately.
Allergies are terrible. I’m finally getting the worst of the symptoms to go away, but just barely. Asthma is horrid too. Surprisingly, I started a corticosteroid inhaler despite the reactions I’ve had to cortisone in the past and I’ve had no reactions. After some research, it seems that I’ve just really sensitive skin and the one corticosteroid inhaler I’ve had in the past had some nut protein or something that could have caused the reaction. Which still sucks.
Not that it matters much. Did you know that most inhalers have lactase in them? Yeah. That’s why I always felt sick and bloated and gassy when I used my inhalers before. I can’t speak for itchiness because I’m almost always itchy somewhere to some degree. So, since I’ve not been having any negative reaction to the Qvar (the only control inhaler that doesn’t have that milk protein) and combivent (the only rescue inhaler that doesn’t have that fucking milk protein), I’m doing a lot better breathing wise lately. Still plugged up and congested.
I started seeing an allergist to try and get my allergies under control. I hate this dude. Okay, I guess ‘hate’ is a really strong word. I don’t like him. He makes me feel bad. Like, okay, yeah, legit, he’s a doctor and might know what he’s doing. But he’s patronizing and I keep shutting down when I see him. So I requested a referral to an allergist that doesn’t make me feel that way.
He was arguing with me about my allergies. He was saying that I’m not really allergic to milk or eggs, it’s just an intolerance. I was like, dude, I just fucking got tested for allergies back in 2015. Since I cut out milk and eggs, I’ve felt better. I don’t get as bad itchy hives. I don’t get smelly farts and bloating and nausea and vomiting and brain fog. I can move and breathe better. He wasn’t listening. Patronizing fuck. Hate him. Scratch that, hate his attitude. (I’m really struggling with Loving-Kindness and compassion for this guy. I am also having a hard time using DBT skills.)
Quite honestly, a huge issue I have is that seeing this dude sets me off. I get unreasonably angry when I feel I’m not being listened to and I shut down. I used to get violent and lash out, but I am glad that I at least have managed not to do that. At the same time, I’ve come a long way and it’s been so long since I’ve had bad shut downs like this. I had to see him yesterday because Flonase gives me bad drip and chest congestion and the drip made me want to not eat (struggling with eating disorder stuff right now) and the chest congestion made it hard for me to breathe. I kept coughing and it was a deep chest cough, you know, the kind that leaves you wheezing and feeling like you just have a huge bunch of gunk all up in there? Yeah.
This asshole told me that Flonase doesn’t cause that. Bull. Shit. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten better a few days after stopping it. I’ve used it in the past and it didn’t do shit besides make me feel terrible. Gives me a headache too.
So yeah, anyways, yesterday when I got home from seeing him, I went and ranted to Flapjack (girlfriend), a bit to Mama Bear (2nd best friend, Kuma-chan (firstest best friend) and Cthulhu Bait (3rd best friend) and my mum, struggling to stay out of a full blown shut down, and ended up just going to bed super early. By like, 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I got up for a few minutes a few times, but I pretty much stayed in bed until around 8 or 10, where I got up to take meds and a shower and give Neko-chan her night food. Then stayed in bed until around 3:30, 4:00 this morning.
My sleep has been such bullshit lately. I’ve been having so many nightmares and a few times of sleep paralysis and I’m pretty sure I’ve been having some seizures. Which is also bullshit.
My nightmares. Oh my various heathen gods, I wish my nightmares were at least consistent. Like, maybe just dream about Exacerbating Ex or that Douchenugget from the Thing. But no. It’s not that simple. So let’s start with the ones from Exacerbating Ex.
This chick was not physically or sexually abusive at first. It was mostly emotionally and verbally. Which is to say, I got a lot of shit for random things. A lot of gaslighting. Which made me feel insane. In my dreams, she threatens me. She’s helps people hurt me or rape me. She yells. Calls me a liar. Tells me that I’m fat and no one will ever love me and I’ll end up like my mum. That she’s going to call the police and get me in trouble. Or she beats me up. And when she beats me up, it’s always with Bitchface, another ex girlfriend/ex friend.
Bitch Face is another one that gets me. She had threatened to kill me and that was the end of that friendship. Although I still wanted to be her friend for the longest time after. Last I heard, she was starting to hang out with Exacerbating Ex. (Keep in mind, we all belonged to a very small community of complex PTSD survivors, so it sort of makes sense that we would all end up knowing each other even though I went to highschool with Bitch Face.) Now, I think that the number one reason that I keep having these nightmares is that I’ve never worked through the abuse with Charon. Who I was supposed to see yesterday but she’s still out for a couple weeks longer since her surgery was invasive.
But it’s also because I’m so gods damn gullible. I’m trusting. Rather transparent. Honest. And I’m not the best when it comes to judgement. I like to think that DBT has taught me to stand my ground and be like “Hey, this is not okay and I don’t want to be friends with you”, but like… Autism. I don’t trust myself. I’m just no realizing that I’m pretty much stuck being this… person. I can barely take care of myself living with someone else. I tend to isolate and only go out when I need something. I don’t socialize well. Stuff like that. So I keep thinking I’m going to be lulled into a false sense of security with Exacerbating Ex and/or Bitch Face and get hurt. I don’t doubt for one second that, should I ever see them again, they will be very verbally and physically aggressive. That’s just the type of people they are.
And the other nightmares are of the time I was living with my aunt and uncle. That was such a shitty time too. I was constantly treated like less than and told that I didn’t live there, that wasn’t my home, it was only temporary. I was always yelled at and told I was wrong and called fat. I got hit a few times. Their kids were aboslute shits to me and my mum and brother. And I got blamed for it all.
I had a lot of bad behavioural problems at this time too. It makes sense, looking back on it. I was uprooted from one abusive household to another. But this one was loud. I never had quiet me time alone from everyone else. There was no escape. I went from being mostly at a special behavioural school with a few classes mainstream to a regular school fully mainstream. (This ended up changing to about half mainstream and half special education classes after a meltdown that ended up with me in a sort of juvie place and court).
My nightmares involving family are rough. Because I dream of having those violent outbursts again. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t get violent. I’ve worked really hard to become a better person. But they tear me down and get in my personal space and are just so fucking condescending and just… I can only take so much.
I also have nightmares about my da. About living back in that shit house with him again. It’s filthy. He’s always drunk or high and he gets physical. The mail box is always full of letters that I never got, bills I never saw, and it’s overwhelming for me in my dreams to try and take care of it. I’m also endlessly cleaning. Always cleaning. Everything is piled high and several dreams involve there being a literal dump in the house. My mum just yells at me to keep cleaning. My brother is sexually abusive. Those dreams are horrid too.
I know those dreams are because I’m afraid of having to go back to my da. He’s a fucking douchepurse. I haven’t talked to him in years. My mum also is constantly blaming me for things and she’s always done that. Everything is my fault, according to her. And, much as I hate to admit it, my brother molested me when I was younger. I’m sure he didn’t really mean it, being a year older and all and him and I not having many friends or being allowed out much (although he was out with friends a lot more than I was). I’m like, 80% sure he didn’t realize and probably doesn’t realize how much it has affected me over the years, although I’ve tried to talk to him about it. Maybe it was a bit harsh of me to accuse him straight up of rape. I apologized. Whatever.
The other dreams I have are about the Thing. Where Jackoff the Douchefuck raped me with his friends. Those are awful. I wake up and I can still feel it all happening. I try to tell myself I’m safe and everything is okay and fine, but I don’t feel fine. I feel like I’m going to see him and he’s going to look at me and remember and hurt me again. I’m afraid of going to certain parts of the woods/park because of it. I’m afraid of getting assaulted again.
Yeah, I know that wasn’t the first or last time, but to me, it was the most violent. Probably because I couldn’t see that well. (wasn’t wearing glasses because I had just started needing them and didn’t like them). That was just the time that sticks out to me the most.
It’s really bad because I will be masturbating (ain’t no shame in that) and suddenly I’ll have a flashback and feel filthy and tainted and hate myself and feel like crying. How am I supposed to have sex with anyone if I can’t even touch myself? I don’t even need to be doing that. Sometimes, yoga will trigger a flashback. Which is so freaking stupid. Like, why. I thought I had moved beyond having flashbacks multiple times a week. It’s been over 10 years, after all.
I’m also struggling with eating disorder stuff right now. I’m really wanting to restrict and I’m trying hard not to. I’m not seeing the dietician anymore. I felt like it was a bit of a waste of time and she was weird.
In other news, I sent in my passport application and it should be here by July 8th. I’m still working on my Japanese. Been sleeping like shit. Oh, I read the Kingkiller Chronicles, well, the first 2 books anyway, since the 3rd isn’t out yet. First one was a little over 700 pages, second one was 1107 pages. I read the first one in a little under three days, the second in 2. Because I hate myself. Not really, I did that because I had wanted to finish them so I could talk to Charon about some of the thoughts I had about it and how I thought it pertained to me. Still. Holy shit. Big books.
I’ve been going to the library pretty regularly. It gives me lots of chances to get exercise and socialize a bit with the librarians. It’s a small library. I think a bit smaller than the entirety of the apartment. But that’s okay. I can always order books to be shipped in from other libraries.
Not much else to say right now, I guess. I ranted for a while. Thanks for listening. Sorry I’m so irregular with posting. It’s been hard.
-The Sarcastic Autist