Okay people. I got more stuff to rant about today. Albeit, not as much as I did the other day.
Thing 1. I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been eating something or not taking the right medications and my body is going “nope” and my butt has become a biological warfare weapon that would probably violate the Geneva Convention. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, all I know is that I’m trying to figure it out. I’m halfway hoping it’s just another cycle of butt problems since I was just constipated. (Endometriosis or too much greasy foods.) It sucks and maybe it’s my sleep has been so gods damn fucky that my body is retaliating and instead of vomiting, it’s just diarrhea. My head also has been hurting, so maybe it’s dehydration or a migraine coming on or something. It all sucks.
Thing 2. I had upset Flapjack when I had my shut down the other day because she felt useless and couldn’t do anything and that reminded her of one of her exes. I get it and we talked about it, but at the end of the day, between a shut down (nonviolent) and a melt down (violent), it’s better for me to have a shut down. I can steer myself better towards having a shut down instead of a melt down now-a-days, but getting pushed too much can still drive me into a melt down and I hate those with a passion. I’ve no real control. It sucks. And people are like “no, you totally legit have control over yourself, you’re just choosing to have a tantrum” and I’m like “NO! A melt down is not like a tantrum! It’s when I’ve become so overwhelmed with stuff and get so emotional and not heard or understood that I need space and to leave me alone that I lash out, trying to make everything quiet and still. I’m not in control. I’m a rabid animal acting out of desperation. It’s scary. I don’t like it.” People, especially Neurotypicals, seem to tend to want to downplay it. To blame me. Yes, it’s my responsibility, but don’t you dare say that I’m in control. That you understand. Bloody gits.
Thing 3. I don’t know if it’s because I’m paying more attention to my autistic traits or if I’m actually acting more autistic, but I’ve been having to ‘stim’ a lot more lately. It makes me feel terrible and out of control and I’m not quite ashamed, but almost. The fidget cube Kuma-chan got me is great for helping me with that, to be honest. Still, I find myself chewing on my lips more despite chewing gum all the time and I’m constantly moving my wrists or flicking my fingers near my face or tapping my collarbone. It’s getting annoying. In addition, I will randomly say “no” and hit my head. What the fuck. Why do I do this? I notice it’s more when I’m really anxious or stressed, but it makes me feel like a spaz attack and a half. I don’t like it.
Thing 4. Fucking allergist. Fucking allergies. I got a call this morning to schedule with a different one (a lady this time, so hopefully I’ll get along with her better. I find doctors who are men tend to go “you are an adult, act like one. And if you don’t, I will treat you like a child because autism doesn’t exist and you are just a petulant brat who doesn’t listen.” and they don’t pay attention to me when I tell them my symptoms). It really tends to piss me off. Anyway, that appointment is on the 6th of June, the day before I have an appointment with Charon, the day after I have an appointment with the Pulmonologist. Bible study is out for the summer. Next year, we’re thinking about watching the Nooma videos with Rob Bell. I like him. I’m still not Christian, but I like the community.
Thing 5. I’m having issues with my eating disorder stuff again. Which is stupid. I mean, I get it. I know that I do it when I’m stressed and I illogically think of it as a better solution than say, drugs, but it still isn’t healthy. Then again, I’m starting to be convinced that nothing I do is healthy and I should just stop while I’m behind. Alas, I’m an Adventure/Pirate, and that means gritting my teeth and powering through until I get to where I need/want to be. I’m wearing a size 10 (a bit snug, but more like perfect fit verse sausage casing). Anything above that, I have to wear a belt with. Which, on one hand, coolio, on the other hand, blech. It’s getting too hot for me to be wearing all my layers, so I am trying to see what I can cut out and how I can keep the metal buttons on my pants from touching me. (Nickel allergy)
Thing 6. Probably the last thing. One of the last things. I’m not so much depressed as maybe bored and listless. Maybe a little depressed, I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with a few new gods I’d like to research because I feel like my time with the Dagda and Gaia as my patrons have come to an end. I’m looking more towards Norse and Japanese/Shinto mythology. I’ll have to see who I end up liking.
Well, I think that’s it for now. Not much else to report on. I’m just chilling and being myself for right now. Today, since I’ve had so much else going on this week, I’m planning on just relaxing and not doing anything. I have a date with Flapjack sometime this weekend.
Ta for now,
The Sarcastic Autist