I really suck at actually doing posts now. I’m thinking I might do them in the mornings when I’m waking up rather doing them at night. I’m normally talking to Flapjack at night or reading now. Been going through about a book a day. Sometimes it takes longer, depending on the size and how how busy I’ve been.
I did see Charon last week. She’s doing better. She’s without crutches, which makes me happy. I’m glad she’s doing okay.
I’m going to be starting the Exposure Therapy stuff today. Although, honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should start with the Thing or if I should start with my ex. I hadn’t realized how much her abuse affected me until the nightmares I’ve been having are mostly about her.
I think it could be because I’m going to be talking about the Thing, and when I told my ex about it, she didn’t believe me. SHe didn’t believe me about a lot of things. Like my allergies. (I ever tell you guys she poisoned me with peanut butter? That was fun.)
A huge issue I’ve been having is the fear of not being believed. It’s kinda stupid. But considering that I’ve had recent experiences with being told that what I’m saying isn’t true, I guess it’s understandable. The allergy doctor I had been seeing told me that no, I can’t be allergic to milk because I don’t go into anaphylaxis when I have it, I just get really super sick. Even though I can’t even have normal inhalers because of the milk content. (Recently switched to the only 2 inhalers with no milk in them. I’m no longer gassy or bloated or sick when I take them. I’m so happy about that. That and being able to breathe better.)
Just in case any of you are wondering, yes, I have switched allergists. And yes, this new one actually listens to me. After having complained to several of the medical personnel at the clinic with the old allergist, I learned that he gets a lot of complaints, especially from women. So that validates my feelings that I’m not just overreacting and the guy was actually being a douche. I didn’t go scorched earth either. (Scorched earth is a saying that apparently means doing everything in one’s power to destroy the opponent.) To me, that means not having a major melt down or shut down. It means that I used my words to describe how he made me feel to a different person in power and got a referral to someone who wasn’t a dick.
Back onto the Exposure Therapy thing. (I’m gonna level with you, I feel like I’m going to be put on a list for that.) Honestly, part of me just wants to do it and get it over with because part of the reason I haven’t been doing any yoga, besides ankle problems and breathing problems, is that I get flashbacks whenever I do it. It’s ridiculous. Like, why? Why can’t I have this one thing???
Anyway. I don’t know. I’ve been up since around 3 because I’ve been having nightmares and because I’m super anxious about today. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I got this.
I can do it.
Oh. Before I forget. I was reading a book yesterday and this quote has stuck with me from it. “Find the Tranquility in the Madness.” So I’ve been reminding myself “Tranquility in Madness”. It’s kind of like my new mantra. Whenever I’m getting anxious since yesterday, I use the Japanese translation (Kyouka no heisei) as a breathing tool. Even when everything is insane, I can still be calm. Remember that post I did many moons ago about the Bird in the Waterfall? It reminds me of that.
Tranquility in Madness. Tranquility in Madness. In. Out. In. Out. It works out pretty well for me. I’ve even been writing it down on my skin. I’m thinking maybe I’ll get a tattoo of it.
Anyway. I’m going to go ahead and get off. I may be on later to work through what I did in therapy.
-The Sarcastic Autist