Sorry I hadn’t been on again.  I’m going through a lot of shit right now.  Charon cancelled on me on Monday, so I didn’t have therapy.  At least you guys didn’t miss that disaster yet.

Flapjack (the chick I’ve been dating) and I had a date night last night.  It started out great, and then we talked about my lack of a job and being on disability.  I know it’s a deal breaker for some, and I also know that I’m not going to be on disability for the rest of my life, hopefully, anyway.

I hate myself right now.  I’ve texted her a few times and she’s read the texts but she hasn’t responded.  The conversation last night got pretty intense because we both know it could easily be 5 or more years until I’m done with therapy and school stuff.  So, yeah, long term stuff was what we were talking about.

At the same time, she talks about suicide all the time.  It’s very hard for me to imagine pass her birthday because that’s when she says she’d do it.  I know it’s just me redirecting right now, because I know I’m a shit partner.  It’s sad and disheartening.  Like, all the reasons we wouldn’t work out long term are because of me.

She deserves better than me.  I know it and she knows it.  That’s probably why she’s been avoiding me. Because she doesn’t want to break up with me yet.  I don’t know.  I’m feeling very emotional and I don’t know what to do.

I’m going to lay down again and be all emo.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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