PET start

Hello, people of the internet.  Um. So.  I started the Exposure Therapy today.

I fucking hate it.

Entire time I was trying not to spaz/stim too much.  Because holy crackers on toast, I was not expecting it to fucking suck so much.

Mostly I wasn’t expecting myself to be so difficult.  Couldn’t answer the questions too well.  I really don’t like thinking about it much and I shut down after remember the first bit.  When the bad stuff happened, I just like… shut down.  Blocked everything out.  I’m real good at that.  Dissociating, yeah?

I’m going to do better next week.  But I already feel done.  With everything.

I would rather just be able to type it all out since I really suck at answering questions.  I do it at the doctors too.  I have to write down a list of symptoms and explain that it’s really hard for me to answer questions without stumbling over everything.  Don’t know why.  I think it’s stupid.

I’m just kinda upset with myself.  Like, Jesus FUCK, dude, why you do this?  I told myself I could totally do this, no problem, everything is good.  I’m good.  I’m awesome.  I got dis.

I did not ‘got dis’.  I had the opposite.  I’m just like… why.  WHy did I freeze up and start to shut down.  What the fuck.

Oh well, continuing it next week regardless of my current personal feelings towards it.

I get to do “breathing retraining” this week as homework.  It’s breathing exercises 2-3 times a day for 5-10 minutes.  Charon tried to get me to do some today for 10 minutes and I told her that 10 minutes was a long time (After about… 3 minutes).  I’m not good at sitting still and doing nothing.  I get bored easily.

Give me credit though, I didn’t day dream or get distracted.  I mostly just focused on breathing in… and breathing out… In…out…in…out…

I hate breathing.  So much do I hate breathing right now.

Oh well.  It’s fine.  It’s all good.  Daijoubu.  Kyouki no heisei.  The Serenity of the Madness.  It’s all good.  It’s fine.  Kyouki no heisei.  Yes, that is my new mantra or whatever.

kyouki no heisei.

Flapjack is being a doll about it.  I feel bad for her.  I’m a hot mess of a potato pancake.

Whatever.  I need to get off and do something mind numbing.  Been dealing with flashbacks and shit since therapy.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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