I am sick and tired of Stage 2 already and we’ve only had 2 session regarding it. Talking about this shit is bring shit up to the surface and I’m having a lot more flashbacks and anxiety attacks (no full blown panic attacks yet) and nightmares. I hate it and I’m about to flip my shit. Seriously.
Okay, so I told her about the Thing, yeah? Basically the gang rape shit. But then I accidentally let slip about the other things. Molestation type shit. Ya know? I didn’t mean to do that. I didn’t want to tell her because it’s not that big of a deal. At least, I keep telling myself that.
Then again, maybe I did want to tell her. I didn’t really because I was worried that, if I told her, she would drop me as a client and make me see someone else. She wouldn’t be able to deal with my bullshit.
Honestly, it came out because I mentioned how I’m easily manipulated because Autism. You would think that I would be a better judge of character and dangerous situations, but I keep thinking that shit wouldn’t happen again. That THIS person isn’t an asshole and wouldn’t force me to do anything that I didn’t want to.
The Thing wasn’t the first time I was assaulted or anything, it was just the first actual penetrative thing. Most violent. All the other times, it was a gradual slip into it. So it’s easier for me to brush it aside as ‘normal’. This one. This one was scary and sudden and I had no preparation for it.
I dunno. I’m kinda just… Done. I don’t want to do this anymore, but at the same time, I just want to get it done. If I do this now, I won’t have to deal with it later. Get it over and done with so I can move on with my life.
In other news, I don’t really have other news. I’m trying to work this thing out with the bank because Exacerbating Ex had stolen a lot of money from me and apparently I owe the bank nearly 300 dollars that I hadn’t known about. I had let her handle a lot of the finances and I regret that now. The bank told me to call the PCA place that handled the PCA stuff for Exacerbating Ex and I and tell them about it because Exacerbating Ex had been my PCA when she was doing all the abusive stuff. For the most part, anyway.
I haven’t called yet because it makes me anxious. I also need to call the IRS so I can get statements of my exemption for filing taxes, so I can finish FAFSA paperwork. I need to call the county about case management again too. It all feels too much so I keep letting it go. I’m getting overwhelmed a lot lately.
Back to therapy though. So, Stage Two DBT is Trauma Recovery and we’re doing Exposure Therapy. I’m supposed to be doing a SUDs thing this week. SUDs stands for Subjective Units of Discomfort. It’s on a scale of 0-100. And what I’m supposed to do is make a personal scale for stressful things. Like, 0 would be listening to music and reading a book. 100 would be the Thing. 50 would be going to the market. That sort of thing.
So I’m making a list of things that make me anxious and rating them 0-100 on how they affect me. When I’m done, I’m going to order them in terms of least anxiety inducing to most anxiety inducing. It’ll be a bit easier to brainstorm and then make everything nice and tidy.
I should really blog more. It makes me less anxious and it gets all the yuck and anxiety out. I always feel a bit better after doing so. I just haven’t been that motivated lately and I’ve been avoiding doing things.
-The Sarcastic Autist