Trauma Recovery Sucks

I am sick and tired of Stage 2 already and we’ve only had 2 session regarding it.  Talking about this shit is bring shit up to the surface and I’m having a lot more flashbacks and anxiety attacks (no full blown panic attacks yet) and nightmares.  I hate it and I’m about to flip my shit.  Seriously.

Okay, so I told her about the Thing, yeah?  Basically the gang rape shit.  But then I accidentally let slip about the other things.  Molestation type shit.  Ya know?  I didn’t mean to do that.  I didn’t want to tell her because it’s not that big of a deal.  At least, I keep telling myself that.

Then again, maybe I did want to tell her.  I didn’t really because I was worried that, if I told her, she would drop me as a client and make me see someone else.  She wouldn’t be able to deal with my bullshit.

Honestly, it came out because I mentioned how I’m easily manipulated because Autism.  You would think that I would be a better judge of character and dangerous situations, but I keep thinking that shit wouldn’t happen again.  That THIS person isn’t an asshole and wouldn’t force me to do anything that I didn’t want to.

The Thing wasn’t the first time I was assaulted or anything, it was just the first actual penetrative thing.  Most violent.  All the other times, it was a gradual slip into it.  So it’s easier for me to brush it aside as ‘normal’.  This one.  This one was scary and sudden and I had no preparation for it.

I dunno.  I’m kinda just… Done.  I don’t want to do this anymore, but at the same time, I just want to get it done.  If I do this now, I won’t have to deal with it later.  Get it over and done with so I can move on with my life.

In other news, I don’t really have other news.  I’m trying to work this thing out with the bank because Exacerbating Ex had stolen a lot of money from me and apparently I owe the bank nearly 300 dollars that I hadn’t known about.  I had let her handle a lot of the finances and I regret that now.  The bank told me to call the PCA place that handled the PCA stuff for Exacerbating Ex and I and tell them about it because Exacerbating Ex had been my PCA when she was doing all the abusive stuff.  For the most part, anyway.

I haven’t called yet because it makes me anxious.  I also need to call the IRS so I can get statements of my exemption for filing taxes, so I can finish FAFSA paperwork.  I need to call the county about case management again too.  It all feels too much so I keep letting it go.  I’m getting overwhelmed a lot lately.

Back to therapy though.  So, Stage Two DBT is Trauma Recovery and we’re doing Exposure Therapy.  I’m supposed to be doing a SUDs thing this week.  SUDs stands for Subjective Units of Discomfort.  It’s on a scale of 0-100.  And what I’m supposed to do is make a personal scale for stressful things.  Like, 0 would be listening to music and reading a book.  100 would be the Thing.  50 would be going to the market.  That sort of thing.

So I’m making a list of things that make me anxious and rating them 0-100 on how they affect me.  When I’m done, I’m going to order them in terms of least anxiety inducing to most anxiety inducing.  It’ll be a bit easier to brainstorm and then make everything nice and tidy.

I should really blog more.  It makes me less anxious and it gets all the yuck and anxiety out.  I always feel a bit better after doing so.  I just haven’t been that motivated lately and I’ve been avoiding doing things.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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