(TW) Trauma Recovery suuuuucks

Okay, you know what the number one big thing with Exposure therapy is?  Repeating the trauma over and over and over and over again.  Ideally, you would get to repeat it at least twice during each session.

I managed once.  One time.  Barely.  I didn’t even talk about the actual rape bit, just the bits leading up to it.  I hate it.  I hate it so much.

So Friday and Saturday I spent my time coming up with a spell and ritual to help me get through it.  I managed quite well wording the spell and setting up the ritual all specific.  I even managed to pick out Tiger’s Eye to use as my talisman.  I remember all the words to help me get through the trauma.  Stupid magick rock didn’t help.  I wanted to go through it all and wam bam thank you ma’am be done.

No.  My magick rock only helped me not become a total basket case.  It worked well for grounding me.  Anyway.

So I got a fit bit last week, right?  Charge 2.  My friends and I are doing the challenges together and I am finding myself to be rather competitive with it.  I’m not normally a competitive person.  And I’m also finding that, since I didn’t get my steps in before therapy, it’s a good motivater to leave the house to prevent isolation and to help me process what I did in therapy.

I am so, numb, almost?  Kind of.  I’ve sort of slipped into a dissociative state part way through session. Not what I had planned.  I was rubbing my forehead trying hard not to stim with the head hitting or ear pulling or hair pulling too much.  I know for a fact I ended up saying my ‘r’ sounds wrong at one point.

Maybe I should practice saying the thing out loud this week in addition to the homework.  It’s really hard for me to talk about.  I wrote it down last week because I thought that would be easier, but I did gloss over the actual rape bit.  Mostly because that memory is foggy.  Because I slipped out during it.  Eh.  I’m just waiting for my phone to charge a bit more, right now, to be completely honest with you guys.

I’m a sac of anxiety and nervous energy.  The homework is to listen to my recounting once a day and to do 2 things on my SUDs sheet.  SUDs, since I don’t think I mentioned it before, is Subjective Units of Distress.  It’s a list of things that I avoid or that give me high anxiety and are rated on a scale of 0-100.  My goal is to get through my bottom two (least anxiety inducing things) every day this week.  What you do for that is you go do whatever is on your list ( like isolative spots and trees/tall grass/ hidey hole places) and stay there/do the thing until the anxiety passes.  It’s a great way for me to go out to get my steps for my fit bit so I can beat my friends at the challenges.  I’m also doing this because I want to move on in my life and stop avoiding everything that causes me any little amount of stress.

My magick rock is suppose to help me overcome it.  Also, for the SUDs thing, I’m supposed to rate my anxiety before and after doing the PET (Prolonged Exposure Therapy).

When I listen to the recording of session, of the recounting, I’m supposed to allow myself to get in with the emotions of the thing or something.  I don’t know.  I forgot what I was talking about.  Anyway.

I’m going to go out now and try and get my steps in.  And hopefully not hate myself completely.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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