I did have therapy today but we didn’t do the in vivo exposure thingy or whatever, where I’m supposed to recount my rape in present tense. Mostly because I did not want to and decided that listening to Charon speak was 100% better than talking.
However, despite that, I did end up talking with her a bit about Emotion Regulation and how it finally hit me what it is. For some backstory on this revelation, I had been browsing reddit and came across a post from one of the Autism subreddits I frequent.
There are hills worth dying for in life. I tell the staff in my room that meltdowns are like our bad days. We can drop our coffee walking into work, get pissed, curse a few times, and then get over it. Our students can have Wheaties instead of Cheerios (a small change can throw off an entire day) and they’ll come in and be hitting people, yelling, and throwing chairs. We would all love to throw chairs when we have a bad day but we have the emotional regulation that tells us that would be a bad idea. In that moment the students lack emotional regulation. It’s not about us. We just happen to be the responsible adults in the room. Sometimes you just need to throw a chair, chill out on a bean bag, drink some water, then clean up your mess (if you destroy my classroom, you clean it up). -skittles_rainbows
Tada, I did it. I think. I have no idea if that link stuff is good or not. I hope it works for you. The comment was on a thread about ABA therapy, which terrifies me. But skittles_rainbows really made emotion regulation understandable for me. It’s an important thing to know. That makes me sound really childish, but I don’t care.
I got a dick pic sent to my facebook on Saturday. (Note: Henceforth, triggers are going to be known as Activators because I don’t like the term and it goes nicely with my Activated instead of aroused thing.) It really Activated me because of prior sexual assault involving oral sex. I did tell Charon about the dick pic, but skirted around telling her of the assault thingy.
I had a full blown flashback and managed to calm myself down, but then I got Activated again by doing the SUDs thing because I’ve been going down by the river to the isolated spots where there are lots of places someone could jump out at me or hide until it’s too late for me to notice them. Anyway, so I got activated because there was a bunch of men down at this one spot and there was a beer can and so many people and I just could. Not. Do. It.
I felt bad. That I didn’t do my homework for one day. All things considered, I think I’m doing stellarific on this. Charon even commented how well I’m doing at “internal adjustment”. Also, apparently I’ve got a pretty easy face to read. I wouldn’t know because I only see myself in the mirror or in pictures.
Oh. And one more thing. Session recordings. I have to listen to myself talk about the rape thingy. Which I don’t even talk about. I just build up the suspense and pretend not to cry. I don’t cry, but I’m also pretending I’m not. Don’t question it, just go with my illogical logic thingy.
I don’t know. It’s been so freaking hot lately and I got my first ever sunburn yesterday.
Have a good one.
-The Sarcastic Autist