I don’t know what the fuck my problem is that I can’t fucking open my mouth and speak. I’m very upset with myself because I tell myself I can do it and then bloop there goes my words.

Maybe this week I need to focus on talking like how I want and stop trying to speak like people want me to

Also gonna have to try speaking about the thing aloud by myself. If I can say it when I’m by myself, I should be able to do it in therapy next week.

Honestly, one of the reasons I think I have a hard time talking about these things is because my dad would beat me when I made a fuss about things or do it to convince me not to talk to anyone about what was going on at home.

Don’t talk to anyone because you’ll get in trouble. You’ll get taken away and raped over and over again if you do. You won’t have your dogs.  You won’t have your mum or your brother or your books. No one will let you go to the library.  No one will believe you anyway. It’s your fault. Stop being a brat. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to talk about. 

Basically, keep it all bottled up because no one gives a fuck and it’s probably my fault anyway.  My mum will blame me for things if I’m not where I’m “supposed to be”. Or if I’m somewhere she doesn’t like.

And then there’s the fucking mormon thing. I’ve been reading a lot of stuff from exmormons and I’m like… I didn’t have a choice. I was no longer temple worthy because of the thing and to top it all off, I was gay. It was leave or deal with their bullshit of blaming me and excluding me even more. It sucked.

I’m just really upset with myself. I hate shutting down.

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