These days are hard.

So, I’ve been having a lot of migraines and something has been going on with my heart, so I’ve been seeing a cardiologist.  Just got done doing a holster monitor test this week and I’ll find out the results of that within 10 days.

Also, I’ve been depressed.  Honestly, I think I’ve been depressed a majority of the year.  I’m only now realizing it.  The thing about depression is that it can sneak up on you.

Any time I thought I was depressed, I would dismiss it because it doesn’t feel like before.  I’m not suicidal even though I still wish I didn’t exist sometimes.  I’m not stuck in a fog and dissociated 24/7.  I’m not cutting or doing drugs or drinking or engaging in high risk behaviours.

But still, I’m depressed.  I finally realized it wasn’t just a small episode yesterday when I was getting ready to see Styx, my psychiatrist.  I’ve been sleeping a lot more (during the day, I feel safe during the day) and I’m seldom blogging, which I really do love to do.  My books have fallen to the wayside again and I don’t study my Japanese as diligently as I have in the past.  I just feel like I’m going through the motions of existing and not really living.

And it’s hard to admit and it’s terrifying to think that depression, that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, can slowly integrate itself back into my life without me realizing it.  How long have I been this way?  I’ve known I’ve been getting a small sadness mist rather than a full depression fog, but is it really just a mist and not a light fog that’s just beginning to roll in?

I did talk to Styx about getting on a supplemental anti-depressant to take in addition to the Viibryd.  She prescribed Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer.  I’m a bit wary about taking it because it’s commonly described for bipolar and I’m not bipolar, but it’s also prescribed as an anticonvulsant and off the label uses are numerous as well.

I’m going into town on Tuesday to pick it up.  I will update you guys as to how I’m doing with that.

As for therapy, we just restarted Prolonged Exposure.  I don’t know why I’m so resistant against it.  I decided it would be easier to start off with an instance with my sperm donor.  However, I can’t decide if I should do the time he overdosed in front of me or the time he told me that CPS was coming to take me and my brother away and made me go ride my bike around town for a few hours until I finally went to the library to hide.

I might just skip those and go straight to the rape when I was a teen.  So, basically it’s talk about my douche nozzle dad or the group of assholes.  I can’t figure out which one would be easier for me to talk about.  My brain is all over the place lately and it’s been hard for me to concentrate.

I can’t remember if I’ve posted since starting, but I’ve began playing Magic the Gathering.  I really like it and I have a lot of fun playing.  I also do Dungeons and Dragons once a month.  My Dungeon Master said I’m the only person in his many years of playing who decided to eat a goblin.  So I got that going for me at least.

I’m still dating Flapjack and I am trying to get out to the UK to visit around Thanksgiving.  I’m mostly nervous about having to sit in an airplane full of strangers and the possibility of having to sit next to a fat person.  I like my personal space a lot.

Anyway, I don’t have a lot more to talk about right now.  I’m supposed to be filling out diary cards again for therapy (I am not good at this.  I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to do that.)

I hope I can start blogging more and more again.  I miss doing it.  It’s really helpful for me to blog because it helps me process.  I would just write it down in my journal for therapy but writing longhand is hard and painful for me.

Oh, one more thing before I forget.  Charon told me I needed to come up with a phrase that would help motivate me for therapy.  一生もっと頑張る.  Isshou motto ganbaru.  I will try my hardest in life.

Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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