Tidbits of Realizations

So, part of the whole “exposure therapy” thing is listening to recordings of the sessions.  The sound of my voice aggravates me.  It reminds me of speech therapy.  (Stuttering problem and also trouble forming my r’s. )  Also, I just hate the sound of my voice.

The feedback on the recordings are terrible and make me want to hit my head against things.  Hate the feedback.  (White noise in the background).  It doesn’t help that I make those weird spaz noises when I’m listening to the recordings.  But, on the bright side, they are only about a half hour so I don’t have to sit and listen to an hour long monologue of myself.

Moving on, I’ve been reading “the Body Keeps the Score”, a book about how trauma affects people and how you can move beyond it and stuff.  It’s been a slow and interesting read.  Slow because I stop to allow myself time to process what it is saying.  Interesting because it’s helping me make the connections of what my therapist has been saying and what I should be doing.

Like, I never realized that I may enjoy horror movies and being scared because being scared has become such a baseline in my life that it feels like my natural state, so the feeling of fear is somewhat comforting.  This isn’t true 100% of the time, but it may have some merit.  Another thing is the shutting down of communication when I get too stressed out.  According to the book, the one side of the brain that allows you to communicate shuts down when a situation becomes too stressful or traumatic, even in non-autistic folk.  So, all I gotta do there is figure out how I can reactivate that bit of my brain when I’m starting to shut down.  What is a thing I can do?  I don’t know, but i’m sure my DBT book has suggestions.

I ever tell you guys I am less terrified of the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than I am of being alone with people?  That is a weird thing to realize.

I don’t have much else to say right now except that I keep fucking forgetting how much blogging helps me process things.  It’s easier to talk to people in person if I don’t bottle up all my thoughts and feelings.  Blogging anonymously helps me not form those feelings of being judged for stuff.

That is terribly put, but I hope you get the idea.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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