Fear and Anxiety

 

I’m having a hard time today.  I can’t get my mind to settle down.  I keep trying to disconnect because I’m afraid.  I’m terrified.  I slept like shit last night because the nightmares/night terrors or whatever kept waking me up or causing me want to not sleep.  Every time I close my eyes, I can see it, smell it, feel it.  And there’s the fear.

I didn’t know what flashbacks were until after the rape.  I had flashbacks before that, I just didn’t know what it was.  Pictures of my dad or my mum hitting me, being molested or abused by so many different people.  The sights and smells and everything… I honestly thought that made me a schizophrenic.  I thought I was a schizophrenic because I was seeing things and hearing things and living things no one else could see and no one else believed in.

I’d been told all my life that I was less than every one else.  I was a trouble maker.  I was the bad child.  I had issues and why couldn’t I just behave and be normal?  I was treated poorly, mostly just by family members or close friends.  I thought that getting hit and being told to get my shit together like that, that the abuse was how people who were close were.  They hit me because I wasn’t learning or listening and that was the only way they could get me to obey.

Before the rape, I would flinch when someone tried to touch me.  I thought they were going to hit me.  After the rape, I thought they were going to hurt me in other ways.  I went from being able to say no to things, being an angry and violent person, lashing out, to being afraid to say no.  Being submissive.

My family has always treated me like crap.  My closest friends had always been abusive up until recently.  I thought that was just how close relationships were.  I honestly did.  Everyone else was nice to me.  Teachers and random people.  I guess I construe nice as just not hitting me or insulting me or threatening me.  But I only thought my family thought I was useless.

Trash.  That’s what he said I was.  I hate that.  It was the thing that solidified the realization that I’m nothing.  I would amount to nothing.  All those negative things my family always said about me was true, otherwise this guy who is practically a stranger wouldn’t think that.

Everyone wants something from me.  No one is nice just because.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can’t my mum just get her head out her ass and listen to me?  I want to tell her but she won’t listen when I tell her the small things.  I cry but I stop myself.  There’s no reason to cry.  I’ve always been told “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”.

I feel like screaming.  I want people to listen to me and I can only get my voice heard through words on a screen or on paper.  I feel like there’s all this hurt and pain and sadness and anger and frustration and loneliness and no one to listen to me.  No one to help me get rid of this pressure building up inside.

I have a few people.  I hate being a burden.  I hate telling Flapjack or Mama Bear or Kuma-chan things because they have enough shit going on in their lives.

I want people to listen and I’m afraid to talk.  I’m afraid.  I’m scared.  I don’t like feeling like this.  I don’t like how it’s hard to breathe and how I’m not even making sense right now.

I just needed to relieve some of the pressure.  Thank you for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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