Flashback or Falseback?

So I finally finished reading The Body Keeps the Score the other day.  Good book.  I really recommend it.

I have so much that I need to write about, so bare with me if I seem to meander all over the place.  I’ve been sleeping like shite lately.

First thing, I don’t really remember what Douchebag and his friends look like.  What with it being dark and me not wearing my glasses.  I can remember their voices and that’s it.  I think part of the reason I’m so afraid of strange men is that I don’t trust that I would realize it was them.  Even though it’s been years and I don’t think I’ve ever run into them again.  But now that I recognize that, I can work on that better.

Second thing is that I really, really don’t like sitting still and being calm and peaceful and shit.  The last time I was truly like that was just before the rape.  Anytime I start feeling calm I start panicking.  So I’m going to work on being calm and being still by meditating without music for a few minutes each day.

Third thing and the thing that is bothering me most right now is that I have this memory, more of a flash of memory, that I can’t get out of my head.  I’m not even sure it’s real and it’s really bothering me.  I don’t trust my memories all the time (probably because of all the gaslighting I’ve endured).  I was reading The Body Keeps the Score and it was going over some of the things family has said when a kid tries to speak up about abuse and the book said that common statements are “That would never happen.”  “They would never do that.”  Stuff like that.

When I read that, I got that flash of memory.  I’m not even sure it’s a memory or I’m just making shit up.  But I can’t get it out of my mind.  It felt like a flashback.  It feels like it really happened and looking at the facts and supporting shit, it does feel real.  It seems like it could have happened.  I really don’t want to believe it did though.

I’m young and my dad is kissing me with tongue.  Like, shoving it in my mouth and he’s holding me down and I am thinking “I don’t like this”.  Just “I don’t like this” over and over and over again.  I can see his face and I can feel his face stubble and I can feel his tongue in my mouth and his hands and just holy shit.  What a horrible thing to think my dad did.

But that’s it.  That’s all it is.  Just a short flash.  Maybe 5 seconds long.  It’s giving me nightmares and it makes me get all panicky and it won’t go away.  I just want it to stop.

I keep thinking to myself that my dad was verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive, just like my mum.  He would never do something like that.  How horrible of a thing to think my dad would do.  He loved me (before I came out as gay and he disowned me).

At the same time, there’s a lot of supporting facts.  Like how I have such huge empty spots in my memory from when I was a kid.  How my dad suddenly said I had to stop sleeping in the bed when I started getting my period. (Bit of history on that: my brother and I slept in my parents room from when we were kids to until I moved into my own room after my period started when I was 11. We would either sleep in my parents’ king size bed or on the floor underneath the air condition where everything was wet and freezing.  Yeah, looking back it was all sorts of shades of fucky, but eh.)  He stopped being affectionate at all after that.

I was home alone with him a lot since my brother went to friends’ houses a lot and I didn’t really have friends and my mum worked all the time.  My dad was a drunkard.  All sorts of things.

I don’t know.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  I want to stop thinking about it but it won’t go away and I don’t know what to do.  I’m going to try to talk to Charon about it later but I’m not sure how well I’ll get it out since my stutter is real bad lately.

At least my phone should be working later today.

-The Sarcastic Autist

4 thoughts on “Flashback or Falseback?

  1. I’m can relate to this. Sorry not has be able type (is hard both with hands and eyegaze) but Me has be try read your post when mine brain works and wanting send you hugs and know that I’m here for you

    Liked by 1 person

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