Truths and Lies

It’s cold.  Like, double negative digits lately.  I got so excited when it was finally warm enough to snow.  Yup, that’s right, I live where it gets too cold to snow.  It’s friggin’ ridiculous.  It’s been so cold that my asthma is acting up because of it.

A few updates on random things before I get into the  nitty gritty.  First off, I had to go see my gynecologist because I’ve been having really bad pain again.  As a reminder, I have no right ovary.  I had it removed and it was riddled with cysts and endometriosis.  I have endometriosis.  It’s this disease where the endometrial tissue (basically the inner lining of the uterus) grows where it isn’t supposed to.  It’s can get very painful to have and it can cause a lot of other problems besides just pain because it acts like glue.  Anyway, I saw my gyno yesterday and she had to do a pelvic exam, which I hate, and then she sent me to get an ultrasound where they stick a fun stick up my cooch to see if I had any cysts.  Next step, if they don’t find anything wrong visually with the ultrasound, is getting a CT scan.  After that, it’s surgery.  I’m not excited about that.  It’s not fun.

My phone had gotten stuck in a boot loop last week so I had to switch to my back up phone (which I just severely cracked the screen of).  The cat needed to go to the vet so I didn’t know if I could afford a new phone or not.  Cat ended up being a lot less expensive than I thought.  She has dry skin and also food allergies.  Just like me.  So I was able to get a new phone.  It’s supposed to be arriving later today.  I got a Google Pixel 2 XL.  I’m pretty excited about that.

I’m planning on attempting to do Habitica again this year with my friends.  We have a hard time sticking to it because of depression.  We are going to do it though.  I have faith in us.

Now, onto the real hard stuff.

Let’s talk about how I’m probably never going to be able to have kids.  I’ve always wanted to have little crotch goblins.  I’ve always been told I’d make a great parent and that I have great birthing hips (creepy as that is).  The fact that I have endometriosis and PCOS and one ovary and also the gay… It just seems like a sign from the gods that I’m not meant to have children.  At least not biological ones.  It’s deeply upsetting for me to realize that.

I really want to talk to Charon about it.  First I have to confess to her that I lied.  I had told her I had never been pregnant before and that’s straight up not true.  I just really don’t like talking about it.  In case you guys didn’t know, I had gotten pregnant after I got raped.  It was a huge factor in why I decided to go into drugs and risky behaviour.  I wanted it gone.  I did end up having a miscarriage and I still blame myself for murdering it.  (For the record, I’m pro-choice.  The things I did to ‘kill the thing inside’ me was not what I would consider a healthy choice.)  I was 15 and I really couldn’t handle having a kid.  Everyone would have known that I was a whore and sexual deviant.  Knowing I can’t have kids now makes me feel worse about my decisions back then.  Regretful, I guess.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was the flash thing I had of my dad forcing his tongue down my throat.  I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s real or not and all sorts of things.  When I’m lying to myself or other people, I get this feeling that I can’t really describe, but it makes me feel gross.  When I think about that memory thing, I don’t feel gross.  All the supporting evidence leads to it being a possibility that it actually happened.  I’m pretty sure it did.

I’ve been trying to remember a bit more about it but it’s been hard.  Mostly because I keep pulling away because it makes me cry.  I don’t know.

I’m going to go listen to music because now I’m all upset again.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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