Lost Amongst Drop Bears

Okay, so I had one of the spiciest ramens in the world today.  It was amazing.  I will definitely be buying it again.  I really want the other spicy ones too.  The library in town is having this blind book date thing where they wrap the book like a present and only put the first sentence on it so you have to choose a book based on that.  I went through the dozen or so books they had and was telling the librarians what they were about and I got them all correct.  They were impressed.  I’m proud of myself for that

So, Charon said that my SUDs levels were low enough about the rape that we could move on to the next thing.  She said I can take this week to figure out what I want to do.  I’m not sure.  I really want to work on recovering the memories that I don’t have.  If that makes sense  There are just huge missing chunks of my memory.

I think that if I work on remembering stuff and then talking to Charon about them, it would be a more productive way to spend session rather than trying to get me to go over a thing over and over again.  Then again, maybe I’m not over the rape yet and I’m just focusing on these other things.

Honestly, it just really fucking bothers me the way I don’t remember things now.  I want to remember.  I don’t like not knowing things.  It bothers me.  I remember vague stuff about my dad and my brother but I don’t really truly remember.  It’s mostly hazy except that one memory of my dad kissing me in a way parents ought not kiss their kids.  Most of my memories of my mum are just her sitting in front of her computer ignoring me.

When I was meditating the other day, I had a full blown panic attack.  I guess it was a panic attack brought on by a flash of a flashback.  Like, a fully submersive one where I literally felt I was back there as a kid.  I’m going to continue trying to meditate, but I gotta level with you guys, I’m pretty scared.

I’m scared of uncovering what I’ve forgotten.  I don’t even trust myself yet.  How do I even know what I’m remembering is real or not?

I’m doing Drop Bear checks on everything.  I’m doing my best to truly figure things out instead of just blindly accepting them or pretending they don’t matter.

I kind of just feel lost.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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