Pieces of Memory

Getting a migraine again  I’ve been dealing with an aura for it for a bit but I’ve been doing all I can to keep it at bay.  I’m also in pain in my pelvic area and also soreness in my arm muscles.  I kinda am having an issue staying present, I guess.

So, I can’t remember if I told y’all this, but I’m working on remembering shit from my childhood, since I got huge gaps and all.  Biggest gap I can think of is having been in my 3rd grade class one second and the next I’m in the 4th grade.  Lost an entire summer plus.  That little bit between winter and spring and then bam, the next year in winter.

One of the things I really keep in mind while I’m doing this is fact checking, which translates into Drop Bear Awareness when I’m delving into my mind and poking at the edges of what I do and don’t remember.  I gotta make sure the pieces fit in together right.  I’m pretty good at telling if what I’m remembering is real or not.  Mostly because if it’s not real, it feels wrong, almost like the feeling I get when I’m lying.

I’m pretty sure, like 99% sure my dad molested me.  I was home alone with him a lot.  We slept in the same bed.  My entire family slept in the same bed because we were poor and my brother and I weren’t allowed to sleep upstairs for some reason.  I don’t remember why.  It was either the bed with my parents or on the floor by the foot of the bed, where it was damp and moldy and smelled bad because it was right under the AC that ran year round.

If one of us was in the shower or bath, other family members would come in to use the bathroom.  I didn’t really because I liked peeing alone.  I was kicked out of the bed the day I started my period and wasn’t allowed to go to bed unless my brother also went to bed.  So I went upstairs to sleep where the dogs would pee and poop.  I mean, they shat and pissed everywhere.  It was pretty damn gross.

People would constantly ask me if my parents ever touched me inappropriately when I was a kid.  I would always say no because I was taught that my parents could never be considered to touch me inappropriately because they are my parents and I am their child so they can do whatever they want with me.  Body autonomy was not really a thing.

Even when people didn’t ask me directly, looking back now, I can see that other adults believed it.  About my dad because my parents were divorced.  No one ever believed me about my mum being abusive.  Even now, no one really believes me.

My mum activated/triggered me the other day because she was so wrapped up in her computer that she wouldn’t do dishes like she promised.  She told me that her Sims game was more important than dishes at the moment.  It was just like growing up.  Honestly, it has always been like that, for as long as I can remember.  It sent me into a deep numbness and depression sort of state for the rest of the day and part of the next.

The pieces all fit.  I really don’t want them to.  I’m thinking about calling Charon because I don’t know how to deal with this.  I really need to talk to someone and I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it right now.

At least I know what I’m going to talk about in therapy Monday.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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