Drop Bear of Doubts

I slept most of yesterday.  I was in pain and just tired.  I kept thinking about how I gave my therapist those blog posts and thinking that she won’t believe me and that she will be mad.

I have a lot of doubts.  I doubt anyone will believe.  I doubt I’m worth anything.  I doubt my life will get better.  I doubt anyone could truly like me, let alone love me.  I doubt.  I doubt.  I doubt.

I looked at my cat at one point and just saw her staring at me.  I thought about how she always comes for cuddles and pets, even though she knows I’ll force her to cuddle with me.  I give her baths and she hates them.  And she always comes back for more love.  I realized she loved me unconditionally.  She is probably the only one who has.

That may or may not be true.  However, it really hit me that that was what love is.  True love is unconditional.  Loving someone despite their flaws, because of their quirks, simply because you do.

All my life I’ve been told “If you love me, you’ll do this” or “I’ll love you if you do that”.  My value as a person, how much love I could give or get, has depended on my actions.  Even in church as a child I was taught that doing good things is how I got God to love me, that Good Deeds was the way into heaven.  My worth was dependent on actions, not who I was as a person.

I firmly believe that everyone has one question that they always come back to in their life.  One question that they ask themselves over and over again, trying to seek the truth of themselves in the answer.  My question has always been “who am I?”

Doing all those things to seek approval from others, trying to buy love, that hid who I am, who I was, who I will be.  My true self couldn’t come out for fear of losing the validation and conditional terms of acceptance I had thought to be normal.  I couldn’t be who I was, who I am, because I had to be who everyone else wanted to be.  Or I wouldn’t be loved.

I’ve lost myself along the way.  The doubts that plague me make me want to hide and so I do.  I hide.  I keep my secrets close and I bullshit and I make jokes and I do my best to shy away from the tough shit.  I want to be loved.  I crave it.  I crave the love and the acceptance and the validation that I never got.

I want to believe that my friends love me.  Oftentimes, I doubt it.  How could anyone love me?  Who am I to be so special as to be deserving of such a gift?  I keep quiet about the things that truly plague me, all the doubts and traumas and difficulties that make it so hard for me to function.  I don’t want them, or anyone really, to think any less of me than they already do.

Total Drop Bear Bullshit.

I am trying to remember that I’m worthy of the love and acceptance that my friends give me.  It’s a gift and a blessing.  I’m truly grateful for them everyday.  Even when I’m in the darkest depths of my doubts, I feel my love towards them and they send me love, despite my unwillingness to accept it.

I guess my point is that I am scared.  I’m scared of losing what few good things I have.  I’m scared that I will be called a liar and that everyone will get mad at me and I’ll be friendless and alone, stuck with only my inner darkness to keep me company.

That’s not something I want.  And I don’t know what to do about it.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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