Blame Game

I should be studying my Japanese but I just really need to get this out there real quick.

I keep thinking about when my mum told me that my Patriarchal blessing would have come true if I had stayed in the church.  If I didn’t “stray from the path”.

I cannot begin to tell you how much that is fucking with me.  Shit like that is why I tend to blame myself for everything.  Who says that?  Who says that it’s the fault of the victim like that?  I’m sorry I can’t have kids because of this horrible disease I have.  If only I had stayed in the church that wanted me to pray the gay away and kept telling me I was bad because I question everything, none of this would ever have happened.  (sarcasm)

It really messes with me.  She’s blaming me for shit that isn’t my fault and I’m believing her.  It’s the opposite of helpful and productive and effective.

I would move out, but there are several reasons I don’t want to.  One being that I don’t pay rent.  Another being that I don’t trust myself living alone.  Mostly because I’m afraid my mum wouldn’t be able to live by herself.  She’s already bad enough with me living with her.

Ah well.  I feel better having ranted.  I’m going to go finish my studying and then read a bit, maybe head back to bed for a nap.

-The Sarcastic Autist