Who am I?

Hello again!  I saw my gynecologist yesterday.  She is indeed a surgeon.  I thought she wasn’t.  We discussed surgery and pain management.  I thought surgery wouldn’t be until March and I was like ‘no way in hell I’m going to be able to last another month like this’.  She said about 2 weeks.  She said I would be able to get it done next week, except she’s going on holiday next week.  So I told her nevermind on pain management right now.  I can last 2 weeks.  I cannot last a month.  The surgery will not be a DaVinci surgery, where they use this super awesome machine to cut you open and stuff.  Recovery time for that is fast as fuck.  It’s going to be a normal laparoscopic. She’s also going to have a general surgeon in there in case there’s scar tissue or other non-gynecological issues so that they can be fixed in one go.  She also said I won’t need a D&C.

Remember a couple years ago when I went to that party for a friend?  He invited me again this year and it’s this Saturday.  I’m super excited about it.

My own birthday was this last Saturday.  I am now 27.  I feel like 27 is a good age for me.  I feel 27.  If that makes sense.  I got my cat gifts for my birthday.

Onto Therapy Related Stuff.

Charon asked me to think about this question this week: Who am I?

Well, fuck you Charon!  I keep asking myself that question!  That is MY question!  The one question I keep asking myself over and over and over again!  The whole point of therapy is so I can figure it out. Okay, so there are obviously other points of therapy.  It’s just that… I believe everyone has one question they keep coming back to through-out their lives.  Mine is “who am I?”.

I am rocking this homework this week.  I started by writing down a bunch of questions to ask myself.

  • Who am I?
  • What am I scared of?
  • What makes me hold myself back?
  • What can I tell about myself from the books I read?
  • What do I want?
  • What are my goals in life?
  • Why does my skin suit fit me poorly? (why do I think my skin suit fits me poorly)
  • What makes me happy?  Sad?  Grossed out?  Ashamed?  Angry?  Confused?
  • What do I consider my best characteristics?
  • What do I consider my worst characteristics?
  • How would I describe myself?
  • How wouldn’t I describe myself?

I’m sure there’s other questions that I haven’t gotten written down yet.  There’s also a lot of thoughts and ponderings and hesitations that I have with it.  I think a huge part of my issue with figuring out who I am is that I keep myself mired in the past.  I’m too busy trying to figure out who I was to figure out who I am.  I’m also too busy figuring who I’m not.

But most of all, I’m busy trying to be who others want me to be and I’m busy being afraid that I won’t like who I truly am.  That no one else will either.  Not that I really like myself all that much right now.

Something that my girlfriend, Flapjack, told me the other day has been really helpful.  Now, please keep in mind that she was joking when she said it.  I told her “I’m anxious”.  And she responded “well, have you tried not being anxious?”.  Cue lots of sarcastic responses and jokes between us.  It really helped me get over my anxiety because of the ridiculousness of it.  (Really, she was joking.  She deals with anxiety too.)

I’m not anxious.  Anxiety doesn’t define who I am.  I get anxious.  I have anxiety.  I am not anxious in the core of myself.  This doesn’t translate well into all the aspects of my life.  Anxiety is not a 24/7 constant.  Being Autistic and Gay and Nonbinary are.  Therefore, I am Autistic and I am Gay and I am Nonbinary.  These things don’t change.  They are part of who I am in my core self.  Emotions such as anxiety and depression and happiness and anger and shame are not part of who I am in my Core Self.  (Ah, see, capitalizing shit.  Means it’s important.)

I don’t know who all I am in my Core Self.  Who am I all the time?  In the deep, dark recesses of my very being, who am I?

I can tell you who I’m not.  I’m not a defenseless little girl anymore.  I’m stronger.  My Sacred No is not the firmest yet and I’m working on making my Sacred No my Solid Sacred No.  I am not a victim.  I feel worthless still.  I want to say that that’s not who I am, but I don’t believe that yet.  I still feel unworthy and dirty and like I’m a tainted person.  That can’t be who I am.

Still…  It’s a start, right?

-The Sarcastic Autist

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