Fear of Fat

It is Fuck o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep.  My brain won’t turn off and I feel sick to my stomach.    I had my first meeting with my therapist in the new place and, even though I don’t like change, I like this new place better.  I feel more comfortable and at ease .  I don’t want to tell her that yet because I’m going to milk the groaning about change for a bit yet.  ^_^  All in good fun, of course.

The real reason I’m on is that I’ve decided I needed to lose weight.  I gained some in the last few months from not being able to move and also probably inflammation and water retention.  So I decided to download My Fitness Pal again and work on losing weight and keeping track of my calories.  I figured that if I can manage to not do drugs, I can get my sorry ass in gear about disordered eating bullshit.

I was wrong.  I already started obsessing yesterday, the first day of keeping track.  Today, I felt bad for eating more than 1,000 calories.  I realized that I would rather die than be fat.  And that is one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever thought.  And it’s true.

The thought of being fat again makes me want to cut.  I haven’t done that in forever.  I do not want to do that.  On the other hand, I do not want to be fat.  I don’t want to cut, so I can’t be fat.  I can’t think that way or I get stuck listening to the Eating Disorder Drop Bear.  The one that says I’m not good enough if I’m overweight, that no one will ever love me.  That I will die old and alone and fat and useless.  That I’m ugly and a worthless piece of shit.

When I was with Exacerbating Ex, I weighed nearly 300 lbs.  That’s a lot.  I weigh about half that now.  Some of her last words to me was about how I would die old and alone and fat just like my mum.  Which was what Bitch Face had told me before.  And several other people.

Exacerbating Ex wouldn’t allow me to eat less.  She hated when I ate food, yet she got mad when I tried to cut back.  If I mentioned wanting to lose weight, she would get mad and tell me that I was trying to trigger her eating disorder and that I was copying her and all this other bullshit.  She would hit me a lot.

Anyway.  The point of this post was that I thought I could overcome this Eating Disorder thing just like I did drugs and smoking and losing weight and when I decided I was going to learn Japanese.  I woke up one day and decided I was going to do so.  I hoped I could do it with this.

I cannot.  I feel stuck because I can figure out what to do now.  And that frustrates me and makes me sad and makes me feel worthless and hopeless and like I don’t deserve nice things.  It makes me feel like I deserve to be treated like shit.

And that worries me.

Yet, I don’t want to stop for fear of fat.

-The Sarcastic Autist