One of my goals is to write more posts here. Writing really helps me process and it makes me feel better. It helps even more knowing that so many of you care and follow my progress and regress and all that. You are all lovely little sparkles. Keep shining.
I had my first appointment yesterday with the Gender Therapist and we discussed what I want. I said ‘I don’t know’ a lot. Which is, unsurprisingly, what I always end up saying when it comes to goal setting. My verbal emotional communication is… Well, it barely exists. Mostly, I rely on small anecdotes and similes and metaphors to try and convey. It’s more about how things taste, since I experience emotions as flavours most of the time. Or as music. It’s sort of odd.
She helped me set up an appointment with their in-house clinician to discuss hormone options. I’m not wanting a whole lot, mostly just to make sure my fucking ovaries stop ovulating and making cysts and my fucking uterus to stop bleeding. I have an IUD. None of that is supposed to happen. She also set me up with an online survey/quiz thing to help me figure out what I need or what sort of thing I’m looking for. I learned the difference between a scrotum and testes taking that. At least it was a learning experience.
And she had a stuffed vulva/vagina.
I stared at it most of the session.
I also haven’t eaten more than 1,000 calories since Monday. I finally reached out and emailed Charon yesterday. I tried calling her at the new place and I got disconnected and was too chicken shit to try again. So I emailed her because I’m too ashamed to talk to Kuma-chan or Flapjack about it.
At the same time, the shame of not controlling this like I could with drugs or anything makes me feel like cutting, which I haven’t done in forever and a half. I haven’t cut, I don’t want to and I have no plans to. I just feel bad. Because I don’t want to stop calorie counting and keeping track of my weight.
And I really hate the eating disorder clinic I went to. It was too fucking loud for the Autism.
In other news, I’ve been really sad and depressed and abandoned because I wish I could be loved by everyone as I am, a gay pagan enby. I just know I’ll lose friends if I came out more openly, just like I did when I first came out as gay. And that makes me feel sad and like crying.
I’m going to go play WoW.
-The Sarcastic Autist