Transitioning Thoughts and DBT Things

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about transitioning and what it means to me to be Nonbinary.  How I want to go forward with it.  I’ve decided to go ahead and take Testosterone paired with a DHT blocker and I’m going to be talking to the HRT lady next month about starting them.  If I get “ma’amed” or “missed” one more time I’m going to cry.

One of the things I have been iffy about the T with is the huge potential to get clitoral growth.  I’m going to be honest, the other day I had been trying to imagine myself with a bigger one and that’s what turned me on.  So I guess having a mini penis is something I’d like.

I’d been fighting a migraine (and losing miserably) the last few days because Charon is insistent that I not wear sunglasses in group.  I understand her reasoning.  I’m willing to try once more.  I’m planning on seeing if the stores in town have any coloured lenses I can try to use.  If we can’t reach a reasonable compromise, I’m going to have to quit group.  I can’t deal with the pain.  It was only through sheer force of will that I didn’t have a breakdown and start crying in group this last week.

Anyway, we covered the What and How skills this week.  What is Observe, Describe, Participate.  Observing is just ‘seeing’ or sensing without labels.  Describing is putting labels.  Participating is doing.

Because of my PTSD, I have amazing ‘Observe’ skills.  I notice tons of little things whenever I go into a room.  I notice exits, where people are, placement of objects, sounds, etc.  I don’t necessarily put labels on them.  Describing is more of a conscious effort.  “Oh, that is a chair.”  “There is an exit.”  “I am experiencing emotions.”  “I have a thought.”  That sort of thing.  Participating is when I throw (sometimes quite literally) myself into something.  When I am reading, I am fully participating in the book.  When I am working out, I am working out.  Participating is doing the thing and only doing the thing.  Not attempting to do the thing plus all the other things at the same time.  Get it?

The How skills are One-Mindfully, Non-Judgmentally, and Effectively.  One-Mindfully is focusing on one thing at a time.  Not multi-tasking.  Just the one thing.  Non-Judgmentally is not putting labels such as “awesome” or “stupid” on something.  It’s a dance.  Not a stupid dance.  Not a fun dance.  Just a dance.   Effectively is being aware of how we are doing something and doing the best to practice ‘effective’ skills.  AKA, using DBT skills.

When I am studying my Japanese, I am doing it One-Mindfully.  I focus solely on my studying.  I try to do it Non-Judgmentally.  I get on my case and call myself an idiot or worthless a lot.  I do my best to be Effective about it and keep on track.  I hope that all makes sense.

I wrote a bit the other day to give Charon a bit of insight into my dysphoria when it comes to periods and stuff.  It’s as follows:

I’ve been thinking of a way to describe the ‘wrongness’ of periods.  Like, how it feels unnatural and stuff.  I’m perfectly aware that it’s a normal ‘girl’ thing and that most women have to suffer through them.
But it’s like… Growing up, being told I had to have boyfriends and just assuming that that was all there was.  It felt weird and wrong somehow, but I knew that liking boys and being attracted to them was what I was supposed to be.  There was a certain wrongness about it.  Like it was a piece that didn’t feel right.  Kinda like a taste in my mouth like when I’m lying or something, although not quite.
And then I found out that I could like girls and everything just sort of clicks into place and that’s what feels right.  Being all “Yes, this is the thing.  This is what I like and how I am.”
Or when everyone thought I was borderline or something.  It didn’t quite fit right but it’s what I was supposed to be so I just sort of accepted it.  And then came the autism thing and that was what fit right.
It’s kinda like that.  Growing up and having boobs and periods and shit, knowing that that was how girls are and therefore I just need to deal, even though it makes me feel wrong.  Then getting an IUD that stopped my period for a few years and feeling so much better because that felt right.  Not bleeding.  Not worrying about it.  And then binding and going ‘yes, this is how I should look.  This is how I am supposed to be.’
It’s that.  Slipping into a more comfortable fit within my own body.  Sometimes I think I’d like male anatomy, but most other times, when I’m binding and not menstruating, I feel fine.  Like I’m finally right.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense.  I hope it helps explain it a bit though.
That’s all I got for today folks.  I hope to talk to you all again real soon.
-The Sarcastic Autist


2 thoughts on “Transitioning Thoughts and DBT Things

    • Yeah, group yesterday has me confused. Grateful, but confused. She just walked in and turned on the light and was all “Sarcastic Autist has sensory issues and may need to wear sunglasses.”

      I’m like… Really? What the heck?


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