So, I’ve been thinking a lot about transitioning and what it means to me to be Nonbinary. How I want to go forward with it. I’ve decided to go ahead and take Testosterone paired with a DHT blocker and I’m going to be talking to the HRT lady next month about starting them. If I get “ma’amed” or “missed” one more time I’m going to cry.
One of the things I have been iffy about the T with is the huge potential to get clitoral growth. I’m going to be honest, the other day I had been trying to imagine myself with a bigger one and that’s what turned me on. So I guess having a mini penis is something I’d like.
I’d been fighting a migraine (and losing miserably) the last few days because Charon is insistent that I not wear sunglasses in group. I understand her reasoning. I’m willing to try once more. I’m planning on seeing if the stores in town have any coloured lenses I can try to use. If we can’t reach a reasonable compromise, I’m going to have to quit group. I can’t deal with the pain. It was only through sheer force of will that I didn’t have a breakdown and start crying in group this last week.
Anyway, we covered the What and How skills this week. What is Observe, Describe, Participate. Observing is just ‘seeing’ or sensing without labels. Describing is putting labels. Participating is doing.
Because of my PTSD, I have amazing ‘Observe’ skills. I notice tons of little things whenever I go into a room. I notice exits, where people are, placement of objects, sounds, etc. I don’t necessarily put labels on them. Describing is more of a conscious effort. “Oh, that is a chair.” “There is an exit.” “I am experiencing emotions.” “I have a thought.” That sort of thing. Participating is when I throw (sometimes quite literally) myself into something. When I am reading, I am fully participating in the book. When I am working out, I am working out. Participating is doing the thing and only doing the thing. Not attempting to do the thing plus all the other things at the same time. Get it?
The How skills are One-Mindfully, Non-Judgmentally, and Effectively. One-Mindfully is focusing on one thing at a time. Not multi-tasking. Just the one thing. Non-Judgmentally is not putting labels such as “awesome” or “stupid” on something. It’s a dance. Not a stupid dance. Not a fun dance. Just a dance. Effectively is being aware of how we are doing something and doing the best to practice ‘effective’ skills. AKA, using DBT skills.
When I am studying my Japanese, I am doing it One-Mindfully. I focus solely on my studying. I try to do it Non-Judgmentally. I get on my case and call myself an idiot or worthless a lot. I do my best to be Effective about it and keep on track. I hope that all makes sense.
I wrote a bit the other day to give Charon a bit of insight into my dysphoria when it comes to periods and stuff. It’s as follows: