Okay, I’m down to 10 mg of Viibryd. I’m tapering slowly instead of just going cold turkey, but I still get the withdrawals. They just aren’t as bad as they would be if I just quit.
I’ve been struggling with wanting to quit therapy too. For a multitude of reasons, number one being that I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. I know for a fact that I feel like that because I’m going off my meds and because I feel like a failure anyway. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Maybe if I stopped being a douche and took my meds and acted normal, I could get this shit together, you know?
Something I do that upsets me about myself is that, anytime I’m in a new situation where I get super anxious, I act out. Not like yelling or throwing shit or anything like that, but it’s like my ability to regulate my mouth and behaviour gets thrown out the window. I have no filter and I behave obnoxiously, especially when I meet new people. It happens just once, where I act like a complete douche-canoe the first time. After that, I go back to being mostly chill. I don’t know how to tell anyone that it’s because I don’t trust new people and I’m bombarded with new sounds and visuals and smells and stuff from them and I get to somehow incorporate that into the stuff I’m already being assaulted with sensory wise, as well as my “if I joke around, maybe they won’t hate me” attitude. Which is totally counterproductive, because my behaviour is obnoxious, not endearing, much as I’d like to pretend otherwise.
The other thing is, I just really hate myself. I wish I was dead. I also don’t want to be dead or to kill myself or to really hurt myself in anyway, I just wish I didn’t exist. Okay, sometimes I want to cut myself or make myself throw up, but I don’t so those don’t count. While I’m not 100% sure why I suddenly feel this way, besides feeling unloved and unwanted because of the break-up (which is 100% fucking stupid as shit of me), I just have been having so many nightmares and everything is so hard lately. I legit just want to give up.
We just moved into Emotion Regulation in DBT. I’m going to consider talking to Charon and Cybelle about my desire to quit therapy. I don’t know what’s up with me.
-The Sarcastic Autist
the sarcastic autist 