Okay, I’m down to 10 mg of Viibryd.  I’m tapering slowly instead of just going cold turkey, but I still get the withdrawals.  They just aren’t as bad as they would be if I just quit.

I’ve been struggling with wanting to quit therapy too.  For a multitude of reasons, number one being that I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything.  I know for a fact that I feel like that because I’m going off my meds and because I feel like a failure anyway.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.  Maybe if I stopped being a douche and took my meds and acted normal, I could get this shit together, you know?

Something I do that upsets me about myself is that, anytime I’m in a new situation where I get super anxious, I act out.  Not like yelling or throwing shit or anything like that, but it’s like my ability to regulate my mouth and behaviour gets thrown out the window.  I have no filter and I behave obnoxiously, especially when I meet new people.  It happens just once, where I act like a complete douche-canoe the first time.  After that, I go back to being mostly chill.  I don’t know how to tell anyone that it’s because I don’t trust new people and I’m bombarded with new sounds and visuals and smells and stuff from them and I get to somehow incorporate that into the stuff I’m already being assaulted with sensory wise, as well as my “if I joke around, maybe they won’t hate me” attitude.  Which is totally counterproductive, because my behaviour is obnoxious, not endearing, much as I’d like to pretend otherwise.

The other thing is, I just really hate myself.  I wish I was dead.  I also don’t want to be dead or to kill myself or to really hurt myself in anyway, I just wish I didn’t exist.  Okay, sometimes I want to cut myself or make myself throw up, but I don’t so those don’t count.  While I’m not 100% sure why I suddenly feel this way, besides feeling unloved and unwanted because of the break-up (which is 100% fucking stupid as shit of me), I just have been having so many nightmares and everything is so hard lately.  I legit just want to give up.

We just moved into Emotion Regulation in DBT.  I’m going to consider talking to Charon and Cybelle about my desire to quit therapy.  I don’t know what’s up with me.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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