An Ocean of Emotion

Okay, I met with an ARMHS worker the other day and one of the things we looked into was GRH stuff, which is Group Residential Housing.  He pitched it as a really good idea.  Well, I was looking at it and I saw that it was that program where you are stuck in what’s basically a group home with a bunch of random people and they take all your money except like, $97 and yeah, they’re supposed to feed you, but in my experience, they don’t work well for me.  And that $97 doesn’t cover my phone.  And I wouldn’t be able to have my cat.  I won’t do that.  I feel very misled and angry because I thought this was something I could do to get me into a place not with my mum and it’s not.  I see him again on Monday so I’m going to have to tell him ‘hey, yeah, I am going to have to be picky about this stuff since I have bad experiences and I’m not going to risk my health again’.  I’m disappointed about it too.

Also, he encouraged me to see if my insurance will cover rides to this trans support group that is on every other Saturday a few times a month.  I just got off the phone with my care coordinator and she’s going to look into that for me.  So there’s that.

Honestly, I’m mostly just tired right now.  I woke up drenched in a cold sweat this morning from horrifying nightmares.  I’m really ashamed of them.  It was a series of flashbacks from all the shit I’ve been through.  It was really scary.  I had nightmares the other night too and the cat woke me up.  She’s really good at waking me up from nightmares.  Sometimes I just want to sleep, though.  Like right now.

I’ve been focusing a lot on letting myself feel feelings and to experience my emotions and such.  I’ve been super mindful about it.  I’ve noticed that I get really anxious and scared that I’m going to have panic attacks or meltdowns or shutdowns if I’m not really careful.  Shutdowns are the more preferable of the three, although none of them are really desirable.  But, especially when I’m home, if I’m around anyone, I attempt to keep the emotions  in check.  Particularly around my mum.  She still scares me.  That might be part of the reason I’m so mean to her.  If I’m mean, I can keep her at arms length and I won’t let her get close enough to pull her shit again.

On the other hand, I pretty much keep everyone at a certain distance.  I’m really lonely sometimes and I really want a hug and I don’t know how to ask for one anymore.  I need physical contact.  I feel like an island and I want to know that I’m not alone.  I am an island surrounded by an ocean of emotion.  (Okay, I really just wanted to say that.)

I’ve been a very busy person lately.  I’m going to make food and get some rest.

Until next time.

-The Sarcastic Autist