Sickness, Studies, and Concerns

You know what’s fun about migraines?  Nothing.  Nothing is fun.  I have taken copious amounts of medications for it.  I’m wary of taking the new emergency one the doctor gave me because she only gave me 9 for 6 months and I’ve already taken 1.

I was supposed to go to a thing today with a friend but since I have migraine and also am not feeling so good, I did not go.  I can’t talk well.  My throat doesn’t hurt, but I don’t have much of a voice and it’s hard to breathe.  When I am don’t posting, I’m making ramen.  I haven’t eaten much today.

I’ve finished making the questions through chapter 3 in The Body Keeps the Score.  I’m very proud of myself.  I also finished a library book.  I pushed through with my studying earlier and I did a budget for my bills and expenses.  I’ve been busy even though I feel very sick.

Something that has been bothering me since I’ve read this book is that it mentions using medications to make abused and neglected kids more ‘tractable’.  I was prescribed medication for depression when I was a wee one.  My mum says she was against giving it to me, but she gave it to me anyway.  She says they stopped when the doctor did math to see how much I could take at my weight.  I’m not sure I believe her.  I remember taking the pills.  I don’t remember any of the rest of it.

When I was talking to Cybele about my concerns about being Autistic verses being the way I am because of trauma and how it was upsetting because I didn’t know, she asked if it was because the difference is between acceptance and blame.  If I’m just Autistic, this is how I was born.  If the abuse I went through as a kid caused me to be this way, I’m stuck wondering how I could have been different.  I know I talked about this before.  However, I remembered something I stumbled across a few years back.  Autistic people tend to sit with their feet like this.   I tend to sit with my feet like that.  It’s very calming to be reminded of that.  Also kind of weird.  Mostly calming, though.

There are a lot of similarities between Autism and PTSD and I’m going to bring up my concerns with Charon when I see her on Monday, unless I cancel because I’m too sick to go.  I know I should do what a lot of you have said, just focus on the symptom part and not worry too much if it’s a PTSD thing or an Autistic thing, it’s just that I approach them differently.  Loud noises because of sensory issues, like air horns, I have to calm myself using other sensory stuff.  Loud noises because of trauma stuff, like slamming doors, I have to calm myself by reminding myself I’m in a safe place and that I’m an adult.  I don’t know how to properly describe it.

Gods, I’m hungry.  I’m going to go make ramen and watch anime.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist