This is My Life on Unworthiness

lavenderandlevity just pointed out that I’ve been thinking of my PTSD and Autism ‘symptoms’ as having to be mutually exclusive to each other, when they could be an “and” instead of an “or”.   I feel a bit silly for not having thought of that before, but I tend to think in black and white so I’m cutting myself a little slack here.

I’m not sick.  I still have a bit of migraine issue, but the change of weather is messing with my asthma.  Not so fond of that.  My breathing issues are because I’m not breathing right.  Oh well.  I just really need to be making sure I have my asthma more under control.

Quick thing: I almost never lie.  Lying makes me feel gross and guilty.  I lied last night to this creepy kid who comes by the apartment looking for me sometimes.  I told him I didn’t have time for him because I was making my mum dinner.  I was making me dinner.  Not my mum.  I said my mum because my mum just had surgery and I was hoping it would get him to go away faster.  He comes by a lot and I want to stand up and tell him to stop bothering us but I’m afraid of telling guys off because I think they’ll hurt me.  I’m older than him and I’m pretty sure I’m physically stronger, I’m just scared nonetheless.

Someone told me the other week that they feel all “mama bear” towards me.  They’re fond of me.  I know I’m a likeable person, despite my annoyingness.  I just don’t know why they feel protective of me.  It almost feels like they want something from me and I’m not sure how to handle that.  I don’t know how to convey my confusion.  I don’t really feel like people should feel protective of me.  I don’t feel worth it.

I have my anniversary with my godmother coming up in a week.  For those just joining, she’s not actually my godmother, she’s this lady I met when I was a teenager and very depressed and suicidal.  I haven’t come out as nonbinary to her yet and she’s very transphobic and I’m not sure if I should or not.  I’m not sure what my course of action with her is going to be.

Other than that, I don’t have a lot to say because I am in pain and I want to cut my hair.  You guys have a good one.  Thank you for being awesome.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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