I had my anniversary with my godmother today. She’s a very judgemental person. I went to church with her and then we went to a mexican restaurant and then we wandered around a mall for a bit.
The church was one of those healing churches. You know, the loud ones where people go to get healed and speak in tongues and stuff. It felt very cultish. So much so that I think I would have rather have gone to a mormon church. At least their values are right there where you can see it.
I feel like I’ve gotten good at being able to tell if someone is safe to disclose my queer status to. Just in general, in that place, I did not feel like it was a safe place. I felt like the pastor was misogynistic and xenophobic. There were People of Colour there and neurodiverse folk, but I just had this unease, like if I mentioned that I was gay that I would be called a sinner and be told that I can be healed of that.
My godmother confirmed that when I asked what their LGBT+ stance was. She said “let me put it this way, they follow the bible”. Then she went into how they don’t think any one sin is greater than another. I’m not a sinner because I’m gay. I’m probably a sinner for a lot of other reasons, but not for that. I just don’t see how anyone can be in sin when they love another person of the same age range.
I even told her that was part of the reason I see 2 therapists. One being Charon for general shit, the other being Cybele for LGBT stuff. I didn’t tell my godmother that I’m nonbinary. I didn’t feel safe doing so. I feel like I’m hiding a huge part of who I am from her, but my emotional and mental well-being are more important. I just don’t have it in me to be dealing with any more bigotry right now.
I don’t have it in me to be dealing with much of anything right now. I feel very sad and worthless and alone. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough and that no one will ever truly love me unconditionally, no strings attached. I wish I didn’t.
It’ll be fine. It always is.
-The Sarcastic Autist
I relate to all of these feelings all too well.
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I don’t want to say it sucks. It does, but it’s also part of life. I just want to be able to place blame where it belongs, on the stuff being what it is, not because I’m a bad person. Apparently that’s a lot to ask for sometimes.