I am colouring my hair again. Blue this time. It probably won’t come out well, but I don’t care. My skin is also getting coloured. I’m a smurf.
I had my MRI this morning. I don’t know how it turned out, but probably normal. My leg still hurts. I won’t go to a pain clinic because there’s not much they can do for me that I haven’t already done.
I had to wake up at fuck o’clock for that. Then I had Charon this afternoon. Then right after I met with the ARMHS worker guy. Charon isn’t happy that my anxiety is high lately. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m giving myself a pass since I’ve been overwhelmed and I’m not used to it.
I talked to her about the face blindness thingy. It scares me and I’m not sure why. Just the idea that other people can actually recognize others by their faces and not by hair or voices or sounds… I’ve tried memorizing faces, they slip out of my mind. I can’t keep them. I want to. I think maybe part of the reason it’s scary is because I can’t remember my dad’s face, only that he had a certain type of mustache sometimes. And I remember the general body type that my rapists had, but not their faces. I thought that I just blocked those bits out because trauma. If I didn’t and that’s just how I am, that makes me feel more at risk, even if nothing has actually changed.
I dunno. Charon said I should get tested if I’ m that worried about it.
She also wants me to work on not being polite if I’m in an uncomfortable position or if someone is being a jack-off. And to be more mindful of how my body feels when I’m anxious. I know when I’m feeling anxious, I just can’t put it into words. It’s very hard for me to do so, anyway.
The ARMHS guy and I worked on housing stuff and treatment plan stuff. Normal things.
I’m really tired and I still need to have dinner and wash up. Thank you for reading.
-The Sarcastic Autist