Today was the first day I got to watch my godmother’s dogs. It was okay. I’m itchy. Surprisingly, I only got anxious thinking about someone stealing my bike. Not about someone potentially breaking in and raping and/or murdering me. So I’m going to chalk that up as a win.
I’ve been having a hard time concentrating lately. I’m thinking I’ve just been cooped up for too long. I need to get out and do stuff. I want to ask Luffy if we can hang out again sometime soon. My mum isn’t feeling good so I’m going to have to skip Dungeons and Dragons tomorrow. I’m okay skipping because that means I get a day off for me. I look forward to sleeping in and not worrying about anything.
It was already dark out when I left my godmother’s to come home. There’s a spot that was really dark and started to activate a flashback to the rape but then I remembered my flashlight and turned it on and I was better instantly. I’m still laughing because, seriously, a flashlight? That’s what grounded me?
But the flashlight reminded me that I’m in the now. I have tools and resources and friends that I can count on that I didn’t back then. I can do things that I couldn’t. I’m able to stick up for myself more now. I can see things more clearly. Because I have a motherfucking flashlight.
Like, I don’t even know how to properly convey the magnitude of this. It’s an earth shattering revelation that makes me giggle because I find it so fucking ridiculous. I’ve been spending weeks worried because I’ve been having an increase in nightmares (not about the thing, about other things), increased anxiety, just increased flashbacks in general (again, mostly not the rape thing) and I didn’t want to tell Charon because I was ashamed.
Well, surprise, motherfuckers, all I needed was a motherfucking flashlight to remind me that I’m good. I’m strong and I’m resilient and I’ve got a flashlight. I’ve got this.
-The Sarcastic Autist
the sarcastic autist 
I use the cell phone. Whatever works.
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Okay, I gotta say, this came off as really condescending when I first read it, and then I realized that I don’t think that I wrote that I was on my bike. I put the flashlight on my bike so I could see where I was going.
I also feel like you are missing the entire point. It wasn’t just the flashlight. The flashlight was the catalyst. It was realizing that I’ve grown stronger over the years and that I’m not the same person as I was. I’m able to do things that I wasn’t able to before. The flashlight just helped me figure that out.
-The Sarcastic Autist
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I was referencing my method of coping with panic attacks, which are crippling. My comment was not meant to be condescending but I can see why it sounded that way: I misunderstood your intention so the tone was too familiar.
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It’s all good. I’m sorry I probably ended up coming across as confrontational too. I listen to a lot of music for my panic attacks, which aren’t nearly as bad since I started DBT. But yeah, my phone light probably has kept me from having too many full on dissociative panic/flashback attack thingies. Which are different than the normal panic attacks that I don’t get as often as I used to. You get the difference, right?
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Yes, I do. DBT was a help to me. I also use a camera to cope with panic attacks.
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How do you use the camera?
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Thanks for asking. My panic attacks are agoraphobic. When I look through the lens of a camera my brain forgets focuses on the composition. It distracts me long enough to stop the attack.
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