With Enthusiasm

Fuck yeah, 120 followers!  I’m so proud of me right now.  I ended up taking a nap this afternoon for a few hours.  I feel tons better.  I really needed that extra sleep.

So, a few things since I didn’t really post yesterday beyond “yay, no cavities”.  First off, yay, no cavities.  I’m going to be getting my tongue re-pierced in honour of that accomplishment probably Saturday night.  Maybe Sunday.  Probably not Sunday.

Second, I had a ‘mild’ panic attack Tuesday night.  I’m going to be hanging out with Luffy on Saturday during the day and then there’s this support group for trans people that night that I want to go to.  Imposter syndrome is major.  I got myself all worked up into a tizzy about it.  Luffy said we could watch a movie at his place, and while I trust him, I still get really fucking anxious at the idea of spending time alone with a man.  Historically, even ‘platonic’ friends have pushed boundaries or have done things that I didn’t like.  He said he’ll drop me off at the support group after.  My mum is supposed to pick me up after.  Later on, I can get medical rides.

Third, since watching my godmother’s dogs, I’ve been feeling even worse about myself as a gay enby individual.  I guess it would be more accurate to say that I’ve been feeling worse about myself since talking to my godmother again.  I call myself nondenominational pagan and I practice bits and pieces of all sorts of faiths, it’s just that I really miss going to a place where everyone is so full of spirit and stuff and it’s really hard to explain.  And, to be honest, I want to believe in Jesus and the Christian god and to worship them because I want that happiness and joy that I see Christians have.  I like the community aspect the most, I think.  On the other hand, if I could find a good pagan community, I would probably just go there instead of bothering with a church.

In DBT group yesterday, we covered DEAR MAN.  We’re in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module for a few weeks and there are 3 skills to use depending on what your priorities in the situation/encounter is.  DEAR MAN is for when you want to obtain an objective.  GIVE is for when you prioritise the relationship.  FAST is when you want to get or maintain self-respect.

DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate.  Basically, you are supposed to objectively describe the situation, express how the situation makes you feel, ask for what you want or say no firmly and clearly, state positive or negative consequences of whatever it is before and after (reward sandwich people), stay mindful because mindfulness is the core practice of DBT and is the basis of every skill, at least pretend to be confident in your decision, and negotiate (compromise).

Part of the Mindfulness bit is to be a broken record.  While we were discussing this in group, I was reminded of my various support forums’ advice of not JADEing.  JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  If you do any of those things when dealing with people, instead of grey rocking (being as uninteresting as possible) or being a broken record ( repeating your request/opinion/statement/answer over and over and over), it derails the conversations and you lose your effectiveness.  Generally, it’s used in Al-Anon and when dealing with people who have personality disorders.  You can use it in pretty much any part of your life if you are dealing with a difficult person.

I keep meaning to make sure I don’t JADE with my mum, and I keep forgetting.  I’m not good at remembering it.  I’m going to try harder.

Speaking of my mum, did you know it’s really fucking rude to ask a trans person if they have had or are planning on having surgery or hormones or anything?  Yeah, super rude, especially if they have said that it’s rude to ask.  My mum keeps fucking asking me if I’m going to have surgery and it really fucking pisses me off.  I’ve told her “first off, it’s none of your business if I am or not.  Second, that’s a really rude question and you should never ask any trans person that.  Third, no, I’m not.  I don’t mind having boobs sometimes and I’m not a man, so I’m not having any other sort of surgery.  Don’t ask again.”

And you know what she fucking did?  She fucking asked again.  It was the second time this month.  I told her all those points, again, and told her she can’t ask me again because it’s really rude and it pisses me off because it tells me she doesn’t listen to me or care about my boundaries.  She said that her memory is bad and that she doesn’t remember asking me about it before.  I told her that if her memory is that bad, I will go with her to her doctor to get it checked out.  Because that is some grade A bullshit.

She pulls that sort of shit all the time with me.  She then will try to turn it around on me if I call her out on it and say that she’s “only trying to be more understanding and helpful”, despite not actually doing anything to actually be more understanding and helpful, like read a fucking pamphlet even, or watch a 5 minute YouTube video.  It’s frustrating for me to deal with because I don’t feel like she actually cares about me and I don’t remember a time when I did feel like she cared about me for anything more than appearances sake.  I don’t know what she’s got wrong with her, but she’s not all right in the head, you get me?

I was thinking yesterday about how I’ll decide to do things and then I’ll just go do them, but then I’ll say I want to do something and I’m really watery about actually getting it done.  I had a pretend conversation with Charon in my head about what she would say if we talked about it and I remembered that we actually had a conversation about it before, a few years ago.  She said “well, can’t you decide that you’ve decided instead of saying you want to do it” (not a direct quote).  I laughed because of course I can’t just decide to decide something instead of wanting to do it.  I can’t just decide I’m going to get a job, I have to want to get a job because I have no idea how to go about it.

But then I remembered something I said to Kuma-chan as I got lost in a shopping plaza.  “I don’t know where I’m going but I’m going there with enthusiasm”.  So, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it with enthusiasm.  Job hunting?  I have no idea how to do it, but I’m doing it with enthusiasm!  Woo!  Housing?  Enthusiasm!  Crippling anxiety and panic attacks because of an overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome?  Enthusiasm!

Woo!  Let’s do this!  がんばって!

-The Sarcastic Autist

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