So, I ran across a thing earlier on Reddit. This thing. And legit, it made me cry a bit. It helped put into words some of my experiences and what I feel and stuff. It really got me thinking, too, about why my mum might not be so nice to me about it and why she’s been going back down that rabbit hole of abuse. I mean, besides her just being a horrible person to me. Because I’m a political stance to certain people, conservative people like her, and my insistence that she treat me with the same respect she does other people creates some sort of cognitive dissonance because I’m the other side of the issue, even though I’m just a person who wants to be treated human. That and she just doesn’t like me.
I’ve also been trying to think of why I’m anxious. A lot of it has been because I’ve been busy. Part of it’s just because I’m worried about how I’m going to be with the anniversary of the rape coming up. No real flashbacks or anything real bad yet, for that. Another thing is that I have been having more flashbacks to other things and that’s getting to me. Living with my aunt and uncle, my dad, my ex, mormons…
Instead of hiding from the anxiety or shoving it down or pretending it doesn’t exist or acknowledging that it exists and then proceeding to ignore it, I’m ‘leaning into’ it, trying to feel it more deeply and figure out where it’s coming from, what started it. Because I’ve had super high anxiety for months. Several weeks. Been having issues with restricting, too. I’ve had thoughts of purging/throwing up, but I haven’t done that yet and I’m really trying to avoid doing that.
If I’m being completely honest here, I’ve had thoughts of cutting myself. Just thoughts. Some actual urges. Haven’t actually done anything yet.
Charon wants me to work on Emotion Regulation more, which is the entire reason I’m doing DBT again. My Emotion Regulation sucks. She wants me to write down the Five Steps of Emotion Regulation stuff thingy. I don’t remember what she actually called it. I don’t even know what I was thinking when I wrote down the notes. I’ve got Prompting Event, Shuns, Drop Bears, Opposite, Calculus.
Now, I know that Prompting Event is the thing that activated the emotion. Shuns are the words that end with the ‘shun’ sound, like assumptions, interpretations, conclusions. Drop Bears refer to the Check the Facts skill. Opposite is Opposite to Emotion. I have no idea what I mean by calculus. Do the math? Problem solve! It must mean problem solve! Oh my gods, that was frustratingly difficult. I should probably take better notes.
I got some books that might help with Emotion Regulation stuff, like that Asperger’s Workbook thing that I’ve had for years that I haven’t done. Maybe that Queer and Transgender Resiliency Workbook that I’ve had for a few months that I haven’t touched in a bit. I’ll also ask Charon for suggestions because I’m starting to feel hopeless about this entire emotion regulation thing.
Anyways, I want to finish this book I have before bed. Good night my peoples. I love you all.
-The Sarcastic Autist