Is This Dysphoria?

Okay, so I’ve been in a lot of pain again today, but I figured I might as well come on and give a real report since I don’t think I’ve done that in a few days and I know I have a couple of comments to reply to.

Pain sucks.  I just want to say that straight off the bat.  I try not to judge anyone for their pain experiences because it’s a very subjective thing.  That said, I’m having a lot of issues with a few of my friends right now.  Not because they’ve done anything wrong, they’re wonderful people, it’s just that… they can say things thoughtless things sometimes.  One of them, a few weeks ago, was complaining to me about menstrual cramps.  For real, I think cramps suck, no matter what kind of cramp.  I have been diagnosed with whatever the fancy doctor term for ‘super bad, debilitating cramps and heavy bleeding because the gods hate this person’ is.  I’ve had really bad charlie horses.  I get migraines.  I prefer migraines over this pain.

Anyway, this friend was venting about cramps and bleeding, because it fucking sucks, even if it’s just ‘normal’ menses shit.  But then she says that she sometimes wishes she was infertile so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.  Again, I love this friend, she is very near and dear to me, but that was just one of the most ignorant things she has ever said.  Infertile/sterile/barren people can still get periods, first of all.  Second of all, she probably just forgot, but even if I was a straight, cisgender woman, the likelihood of me being able to have my own biological offspring is next to impossible.  Yeah, the thought of a baby growing inside freaks me out like it’s from some Lovecraftian Eldritch Horror dimension, but I still kind of think it was a thoughtless thing to say.  It hurt my feelings.

To explain why it bothers me, I should say it’s probably an issue about choice.  On one hand, it’s my choice to not have children.  I love kids, but no freaky parasite thingy for me, thank you.  On the other hand, my body decided on its own to not have kids, without my conscious decision.  So, even if I wanted to have kids, I would have to jump through so many hoops and even then, it would be very unlikely.  I don’t have a choice in the matter.  It’s also probably a control issue, but that’s neither here nor there right now.  (probably is, since my eating disorder is just barely this side of not completely out of control, but I’m choosing to ignore that).

I get why my friend would say something like that.  I understand.  I’m still upset, especially since I have all this other shit going on now, even though she said that before I saw my gyno and the hysterectomy was looming imminent on the horizon, like a giant nuclear mushroom.

My other friend, whom I also love dearly, said something that just pissed me off.  I was in a chat with her and this other friend of ours and we were all complaining about cramps and pain and I mentioned mine is because endometriosis and PCOS, probably, and she sent a screenshot of an acupressure/acupuncture thing.  Which, cool, she’s just trying to be helpful, I really hope that was for our other friend mostly.  The friend who sent it said it was also for endo and I just logged off because I was about to go on a tirade of how I’ve tried just about everything and if this was a thing that actually worked, I’m pretty sure one of the many doctors I’ve fucking seen already would have mentioned it.

I’m not saying that acupressure/acupuncture don’t work.  I do a few acupressure things to help with headaches, sinus congestion, stuff like that.  It can work, legit, it’s just, this is something I’ve been dealing with for years.  I’m already dealing with a lot of shit trying to get it treated.  I wanted to vent to my friends, not get peddled a ‘fix’.  It felt invalidating.  Instead of just listening, she went “here’s a thing you should try”.  I just wanted “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.  I’m here for you”.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining and I kinda feel like I’m just being a bitch, and I probably am.  I also have had just a really rough day gender wise.

Let me tell you about that now.

So, I woke up with my cat meowing in my face, because she loves me so much.  (I don’t actually know why she was meowing in my face, just that she was.  I’m pretending it’s because she loves me.)  Got dressed.  Immediately felt fat.

And that’s when I knew it was going to be one of those days, even though I tried to ignore that feeling.

I managed to get through my language studies alright.  Now, something I think you should know is that I tend to wear a bra when I’m just around the house.  Wearing a binder for extended periods of time can mess up your ribs and breathing and shit, so I try to take breaks, especially since I tend to wear my binders for excessively long periods of time.  Like, often 12+ hours excessive.

After I finished studying, I started reading Rethinking Normal, a memoir about a transwoman.  Reading it got me thinking about the Orphan Black episode I saw last night.  In Orphan Black, the premise is basically clones.  One of the clones is a transman.  So you have this one actress playing all these clones, including this trans clone, and as I was watching it, I got a sudden panic that that was how people saw me, some chick playing at being a guy.  Reading Rethinking Normal set off that panic again, that people saw me play-acting, especially since I’m non-binary.

It also gave me huge issues with my boobs again and the panic wouldn’t subside until I put on a binder.  I feel better having changed, but now I feel worse.  I kind of relate to Katie Rain Hill, who the memoir is about, at the same time, I have been having a lot of thoughts about transitioning in general, more-so now that the very real possibility of having to get a hysterectomy is out there.

Getting a hysterectomy means getting a surgery.  I don’t know if I want to go ahead and remove my one remaining ovary yet.  If I don’t, that means I have to get another surgery down the road.  If I do, that means hormones, whether that be T-Juice or estrogen stuff.  If I had to choose, I would rather be stuck fully taking a lot of testosterone compared to ever having to go back on estrogen/birth control stuff.  To me, the mental aspects just aren’t worth it.  Besides, I kinda consider my T-Juice to be my anti-depressant now.  It doesn’t make me suicidal or depressed or moody like the birth control did.

A hysterectomy, with or without an oophorectomy, also means I could gain weight.  There’s medications out there that are guaranteed to help me that I refuse to take because of the weight gain.  If I was even 10 pounds less than what I am now, I would be more open, but no.  I don’t want to gain weight.  I refuse.  Which is pretty fucked up if you think about it, because I’m basically saying I would rather be in utter agony than risk gaining weight.

I’ve had thoughts of cutting, drugs, purging, going out and doing excessive exercise even though I know it would cause me a lot of pain…. Honestly, all that just to get my mind off feeling the way I do.  To get myself out of my head for 5 minutes and stop feeling like an imposter and like an ugly fatass with no prospects because I can’t have kids and can barely function, if you call what I do functioning.

I need to take a shower but I’m putting it off because I’m not looking forward to having to wash myself.  I hate my disgusting, fat, ugly body with the boobs and vagina and I honestly just want a penis sometimes.  Although, I would probably hate that too.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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