Purged

Just a quick update since I should be sleeping because I have to be up at fuck o’clock in the morning.

I uh, I made myself throw up after dinner. I made stroganoff, which I’ve been craving forever, and I made myself throw up. I’ve been severely restricting and now this. I don’t know. I know I’m gonna have to tell Charon and I don’t want to do that either. I don’t feel shame yet. I feel like I’m hiding my feelings a bit.

Just… I was on a good streak there. I figured so long as I wasn’t purging, I was good. That my eating disorder wasn’t too out of control. Maybe if it’s only the one time, but still… I don’t know how all the DBT skills fell apart when I got that anxiety from being too full. I don’t know where I fucked up, besides just not caring and not wanting to be fat.

Because I don’t feel fat when I do shit like this. I feel smaller. Which is insane. I’m not healthy and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I need to get some sleep.

– the sarcastic autist

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