Choices and LGBT+ stuff.

I had my first meeting at the LGBT DBT group yesterday.  Let me tell you, it was surreal being in room where I wasn’t the minority.  I enjoyed being with people who I didn’t feel like I had to put a front on for.  A lot of times, I feel like I have to act and present a certain way, be on my best behaviour for people, hide part of me… because being a queer trans person means that other people have certain expectations of me.  I am the gay ambassador when I am out in public.

For some reason, whenever you are part of a minority group, people who aren’t part of that group assume everyone else in that group is like you.  It’s especially true if you are a minority within that minority, such as being non-binary.  People see me and my life as political.  They call it a ‘lifestyle choice’.  I guess it is, since I’m choosing to be my authentic self.

But like… if there was truly a choice… if I could truly choose to be a straight, cis-gender person, I would.  If this was actually a choice and not as part of my being as my eye colour or my height or my blood-type, I would never fucking choose this.  It fucking sucks.

The religion I grew up in, the branch of it anyway, taught that you chose what your life would be like before you were born.  You chose your parents, you chose whether or not you had any mental or neurological or physical disabilities, you chose your own ‘challenges to overcome’.  Likewise, since you chose your own family, if someone else had a disability, then it was something that you chose to deal with in your ‘premortal contract’.

So, obviously I’m struggling to come to terms that this is a steaming pile of bull shit and isn’t true.  I don’t have any control or responsibility over others.  I didn’t choose to be this way.  I can only choose whether or not to be my authentic self.

If I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t have had as much bad shit happen to me as it did.  My dad still would have been an asshole who deserves prison time, but there’s other things directly related to my gender and sexuality that happened that would never have happened otherwise.  Maybe my parents would actually love me.  Maybe I’d love me.

I don’t know.

Anyway… I’m glad I joined the new group.  I don’t feel as alone anymore.  I still feel a bit isolated, but I don’t feel as alone.  So that’s a plus.

Join me as next time I blog about my Daddy Issues ™ (again).

As always, thank you for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

2 thoughts on “Choices and LGBT+ stuff.

  1. Steaming pile of bullshit is exactly what that type of religion is. Especially since those types never keep to their own “challenges” but almost inevitably choose to harass others about their challenges. Rewriting old messages is the work of a lifetime, but, if you could use some external validation: yup, that type of religion is totally toxic.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was so awesome(?) to read about other people experiencing the same lessons in my online support forum for it. I had tried talking to my mum about it once and she said that wasn’t taught and I was making it up. Gaslighting is huge with them, to the point of trying to rewrite their own history. It’s weird.

      Thanks for your validation. It’s nice to hear it from other people outside the cult/religion.

      Liked by 1 person

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