Sibling Dynamics

Okay, I had DBT group today, again the LGBT one, and again, I didn’t hate it.  I like the people.  I ran into the issue of getting anxious and wanting to leave.  My heart rate went from it’s normal 50-70 range to 130 at one point.  I spent the better half of group focusing on my breathing and calming down while trying not to convey that I was anxious as heck.

Something that I’ve been realizing lately is that my brother was not the great person I always thought he was.  My parents always favoured him over me, and I get why, I was not a well behaved child.  I always felt he was my best friend growing up.  Honestly, I think I just have a lot of cognitive dissonance with that.

I just finished reading some books where the main character is searching for his brother, whom he believed dead.  It turns out, his brother isn’t dead, but his brother ends up condoning the abuse their father shells out to the main character, saying it was for their benefit.  My brother has said similar, even going as far as saying it wasn’t that bad and that I was making stuff up.  Then, someone I know mentioned how their sibling sent them a birthday card and the birthday card had those life-event update stuff.  “Hi, how are you, my kid is graduating from school, other child is doing well.  We bought a house.”  That sort of thing.  And the person I know said that that sort of stuff was stuff you bring up to people who aren’t close to you.  It’s filler-relationship material, not family-relationship material, if that makes sense.  And I related so hard because that’s exactly what my brother does.

He will text me and ask how I’m doing and then go on about how his life is.  No real emotional aspect of it, just stuff.  He got a new job, look how cute nibling is, our father isn’t dead, he got into a car accident earlier.  I honestly hadn’t realized the different dynamic until the person I know talked about their relationship with their sibling.

And I realized that my brother and I didn’t have as close a relationship as I thought we did.  For the most part, I think he just used me as buffer.  Since I was always the one acting out and misbehaving, no one really paid attention to him unless he was doing something really bad.  I tried talking to him about the abuse and he said that it wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be.  When I tried to confront him about molesting me, he doubled down.  I’ve given up on trying to talk to him about that.  It leads to nowhere and I don’t think he had any mal-intent.  We were both fucked up kids in a fucked up scenario.  I don’t have nightmares about him and I think I’ve largely forgiven him for that.

So, yeah, lots of ‘fun’ revelations about my brother last few days.  Mostly that he wasn’t as great a person as I always thought he was.

As for my  Daddy Issues™, I’m super anxious and resistant to talking about the shit that’s been coming up for me lately.  Which means I should probably be talking about it.  I’m hesitant to blog about my memories since some people I know in real life know this is my blog.  Plus, I’m not even sure they’re memories.  they’re probably fucked up shit I’m making up because I’m fucked up.

However, my counterpoint to that is that this subject matter often puts the shame on the victim/survivor rather than the abuser, where it firmly belongs.  If it was someone else who was talking about this, I would not think them dirty or a little whore or someone who deserved it.  I don’t know why I’m so dead-set that everything is my fault still.  So, with it in mind that I’m not so much blogging about this for me as for others so that they know they are not alone, I am going to be posting about that in a bit.  I have to do a few things around the house like pee and shut my bedroom door and I’d like to have it be a seperate post.  I’d also like the opportunity to write it down long-hand before.  Typing words is easier for me, so writing it long-hand will help me process a bit deeper.

So, it’ll probably be the better part of an hour before I have it up, but I will post it tonight because if I don’t post it tonight, I’m not going to post it and I recognize that about myself.

Thank you.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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