Inaccessible Emotional Excess

I realize I haven’t posted in a bit.  I’ve had a lot going on.  My grandma went into the hospital last week and got transferred to transitional care this week.  I’ve been really bad about ‘making space’ for myself to let myself feel what I feel.  I started going to that trans masc support group Monday.  They meet twice a month.  I finally was able to go to Dungeons and Dragons.  I found a vegan tuna that I can eat and it is nasty.  I also bought a weighted blanket.  My sleep is still shit, but it’s less shit than it was.  I read a few good books.  I made friends (I think).

So, let’s start with my grandma.  She got really sick.  She’s in her 80’s.  She had gallstones and sludge in her gallbladder, her blood pressure and oxygen were on the fritz, her lungs had something wrong with them, and she had pancreatitis.  They did a procedure where they shoved a tube down her throat to get the gallstones and sludge out.  They didn’t want to do surgery to remove the gallbladder because of her age and ill health.  They don’t think she would wake up from that.  They loaded her with antibiotics and put her on a liquid diet for a bit.  She is feeling tons better and has been in the new facility since Monday.  I haven’t seen her yet and plan to tomorrow.

I went to the trans masc support group Monday.  I know this is an anonymous blog, but I promised that what is said in group stays in group.  I may mention a few things, just like I do with my DBT group, but for now, it’s a lot more personal than DBT.  It’s an actual support group.  Anything I blog about will be about my personal feelings and maybe what I shared, nothing about them.  I will say this: it was weird being one of the more feminine presenting people in the room, rather than the most masculine.  I was also one of the tallest.  It was nice being a room full of people who know what it’s like to not want a monthly crotch bleed and to make the chest melons as small as possible without knifing them off ourselves.  I look forward to the next meeting in 2 weeks.

I bought a weighted blanket.  This one.  I like it.  It’s like a hug without the people part.  I never need human physical contact again.  It’s great.  I highly recommend one.  Be careful, though, because my body gets sore if I use it too long.  Worth it for the nice grounding feeling though.

Okay, so for the big bit here, emotions.  I have not been letting myself feel emotions and I realized that I never do.  I like to bottle them up and save them for later, when I have time to deal with them.  Spoiler alert: I do not deal with them.  Ever.  I actively try to weasel my way out of feeling the feels.  Even when I think I am, I am not. Not really.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I have this willfulness and fear of actually feeling things.  Only anxiety really gets felt on a huge level.  I think that’s because anxiety was such a survival tactic growing up that I let it just stick around for far too long after its usefulness expired.

I have still been having nightmares.  I’ve been meaning to do the Nightmare Protocol, but I have not wanted to.  Also, I have forgotten to do it.  Mostly because I’ve not wanted to, though.

Okay, well, I’m gonna go have supper and watch something weird.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

 

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