On Therapeutic Shit

When I had therapy with Cybele the other day, she made me feel the most validated I have in a long while.  I told her about how I feel like the most masculine presenting person in one of my trans support groups where there’s mostly trans femme and trans women, whereas in the trans masc/trans men support group, I feel like the most femme presenting person.  Cybele said that seems to often be the issue with nonbinary folks, where they don’t really feel like they fit in anywhere and a lot of times, especially for those of us on the spectrum, we tend to just switch to one extreme or the other just to fit in.  She agreed when I told her that it’s really hard for me to accept being nonbinary when I think in binary a lot and that I’m trying to stop doing that and switch into a more fluid way of thinking.  She said that shit’s hard.

When I told her about the issues I’m having with Charon, she said I should maybe focus less on the label of PTSD/CPTSD or whatever and say to Charon “Hey, I’m having these symptoms, can you please help?”  Cybele says that I have a good relationship with Charon and I shouldn’t just ignore it when I’m having a problem.

Honestly, the person in my group the other day who had an issue with the term “Morbid Obesity” has really helped me realise that I need to tell people when I’m having a problem with something, because, otherwise, they won’t know.  Real life application of DBT skills, y’all. So, I need to tell Charon that I feel like she’s dismissing a lot of issues/symptoms I’m having right now and I need to tell one of my friends that they keep being transphobic, even if I know it’s out of ignorance and not maliciousness.  It’s really eye opening.

Also, I was supposed to have an appointment with Styx yesterday morning but she had to cancel because she was sick.  I was going to ask for sleep medication because my sleep has been 5-6 hours on the upper end of average, and that’s with waking up constantly through-out the night.  For the last month, I can count of one hand the amount of times i got 8 hours.  I started a dream journal, I’m not so good at filling it out, but the recurring themes are of my ex and of my family.  So the same shit I’ve been having issues with.

I’ve been fighting the urge to quit therapy, to be honest.  Charon asked why it was so hard for me to accept that she knows me, and I don’t really think she knows me.  If she did, she wouldn’t like me.  Which actually probably isn’t true.  I don’t like me.  Maybe I don’t think she knows me because she hasn’t reacted the way other people have in the past.  Another issue on that is that, I feel like, if she knew me, she would realise how much I’m struggling right now.

Because, I gotta level with you guys, I’ve been fighting some really bad urges.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I promised I wouldn’t, I feel like I would have cut myself or worse.  My value of being Authentic and Honest, is more important to me than action urges, you know?

Anyway, I figure I should really work on the flashbacks and nightmares/night terrors and hyper vigilance issues, so I’m going to do my own Exposure Therapy work for it, even if Charon isn’t willing to help me on it.  The big difference between this time and the last time I did Exposure Therapy stuff is that I feel actually ready.  Like I’m fucking sick and tired of living like this and I need it to stop.  I don’t like these assholes having control over me like this.  With the Thing, I was still avoiding stuff and struggling to accept that shit isn’t my fault, and I was so used to it that I’m not sure I was 100% willing to get over it.

This time, I feel like I’m the one that wants to work on it, not just doing it because other people tell me I need to.

So, that’s the news from me today.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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