Charon is out of the office this week and I promised I would text her if I absolutely needed to. Any time I think to text her, I start feeling anxious because I don’t want to bother her. Even though she said I could bother her. She is encouraging me to bother her. I am going to text her tomorrow. Probably.
I’m not doing too hot. I’m not doing terrible, I’m just not doing well. I met with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and she wants me to do a comprehensive psychiatric exam to figure out what is causing my seizures and maybe migraines because they’re probably linked to my mental health. By probably, I do get more seizures the more stressed out I get and my migraines do increase as well. I kind of don’t want to because the place she wants me to go is 2 hours away and I’d have to be there all day. I’m not sure I can do that. I’m going to talk to my therapists about it and see what they think.
I accidentally misgendered a person in DBT yesterday and I haven’t stopped beating myself up over it. I’m aware it happens and I’m mostly chill when it happens to me. I just feel like shit because of it.
With Charon out of office this week, we had a substitute therapist in group and I did not like her. As a person, I’m sure she’s great. As a therapist, I didn’t like her at all. I couldn’t follow most of what she was saying. I had to get help from the other autistic person (who is a client of the substitute therapist) to understand what the fuck she was going on about. I was legit lost 90% of the time. At one point, she wanted us to share judgements we had about ourselves and change them. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to share with the group that sort of personal shit. It’s none of their business.
She used a lot of metaphors that made no sense to me and a lot of idioms that I didn’t understand. At one point she was telling me to hold stuff, but she meant figuratively, not literally. I was just… What the fuck, lady.
Point is, I missed Charon. Also, if that lady is going to teach group again, I’m going to have to dip out because if I hadn’t already known what we were going over, I wouldn’t have understood a damn thing. I don’t care if that is willful, she was just not a good fit for me.
I have a friend I keep having problems with when it comes to LGBTQ+ stuff. I love this friend dearly, she just doesn’t seem to understand that a lot of the things she says may be true where she lives, and at the same time, my experiences here are not her experiences there. Honestly, it’s the way she says it that gets to me. It feels invalidating because it comes off as dismissive. She’ll state that the queer community over there looks down on other people and are treated better than single mothers and stuff like that. That may be true, I don’t live where she’s at. At the same time, here, where I am, how I’m treated is not good. She’ll bring it up whenever I say anything about my experiences. I know she isn’t doing it to be mean, she just doesn’t know this shit. I’m also just getting tired of taking time to explain things to her. It’s emotional work that I’m not good at. I love her regardless of all this and will continue to be friends with her. I just wanted to vent for a moment.
In other news, I was thinking about when I came out to my family as a lesbian when I was a teenager/adult. (Literally did so on my 18th birthday, if I recall correctly). I was trying to figure out why it wasn’t this complicated to come out as a lesbian now that I’m trying to figure out if I should come out as non-binary. Then I remembered that my mum told my aunt, who in turn told my uncle, who in turn told his brothers and sisters and everyone in the church ended up knowing before I could decide whether or not I wanted them to know. I understand that my mum wanted support, but for fucks sake, that wasn’t her thing to disclose.
So the reason I don’t know how to come out as non-binary is because I didn’t get to come out as gay so now I have no basis on initial reactions. Thanks, Okaasan. Not that it really matters since my family already hates me. So… There’s that, I guess.
In other, happier news, I’ve been playing Stardew Valley a lot since I managed to get the gender neutral mod up and running. This mod makes me very happy. I also realized recently that I have a lot of shirt. Almost an excessive amount of shirts. Almost. And I paid the fee I needed to for school and now I just need to fill out forms. I’m not good at forms.
I meet with Cybelle tomorrow. I’m going to talk to her about my Charon texting anxiety.
Thanks as always,
The Sarcastic Autist