I ended up texting Charon on Sunday because of what happened Saturday night.
What happened Saturday is that my brother and I had a conversation. His brother-in-law overdosed and took a video and sent it to their entire family via text. My nephew plays on his parents’ phones a lot and could have seen it. This sent my brother off because his kid shouldn’t have to see that sort of thing. It also made my brother realize how shitty it was that that happened to me, seeing our da overdose in front of me. And so he acknowledged that it happened and he acknowledged how shitty our childhood was and it was the first time anyone in our family didn’t rugsweep, gaslight, or blame me for something like that. And it brought forth a lot of emotions. And flashbacks.
The thing is that I had kinda just put all this on a backburner for a bit. AKA, I was ignoring it. I almost had myself completely convinced that I was making it all up and then my brother went and confirmed and validated it all. Mind, my brother still doesn’t know about the sexual abuse from my da and I’m not going to bring it up. But the rest of it… Holy shit, this is a thing that really happened. My childhood, that is. I’m just… my emotions are all over the place. Mostly I’ve been oscillating between extreme anxiety, extreme sadness, and a feeling of validation. And also panic. A lot of panic. I’ve been fighting panic attacks.
It’s brought up a lot of memories and shit and, in blatant honesty, I’ve been having issues with the rape from when I was 15 again too. I was out walking the other day and a group of people were at that spot and I had a flashback and panicked a bit. And no, I did not bring this up in therapy. I’m going to next week.
Speaking of therapy, I’m almost to graduating from DBT again. I’m not sure if I’m going to still be able to see Charon after since she keeps saying I don’t have PTSD anymore. I’m going to ask her next week. If I’m not going to be seeing her, then I have about a month to get through a whole lot of shit.
I mean, I could ask her tomorrow after group, but I don’t want to. Alternatively, I could text her. I might do that. It would help cement that texting her is okay.
I texted her the other day because I was having problems processing the conversation. I still haven’t fully processed it. I’m going to talk to her more about it next week.
It just made it real. Before, I could pretend that it didn’t happen and that I was making it up since no one was willing to discuss it with me. But now… Now I have a witness. And it sucks. And I’m about to start crying so I’m going to log off.
Thanks for reading.
-The Sarcastic Autist