Therapy and Feeling Like…

Charon and I talked for a few minutes this morning before group.  She said the therapist she recommended doesn’t think she’d be a good fit.  I only have to find someone who deals with extensive childhood trauma in autistic queer folx.  I’ve lost weight over the last few weeks because of the stress and shit makes me not hungry and nauseous when I do try to eat.  I don’t want to do anything because I just have this sense of… I don’t know. Detachment?  I kinda feel like I’m in the passenger seat in my Presence Car (as talked about a few posts ago about how I experience  dissociation levels and shit).  Whenever I get into the driver’s seat, I start getting overwhelmed again so back to the passenger seat.  Sometimes it’s like I am reaching over to help steer a bit, but mostly I’m just along for the ride.

A few times I’ve said fuck it and gotten into the backseat.  No time in the trunk.  My sense of time is off because of this.  Also, just for the record, I’m really liking the Presence Car.  It’s a cool way to describe shit.

I feel this urgency because I feel like I need someone lined up before I have to stop seeing Charon because I feel so overwhelmed with all this.  I also feel shame because I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.  I feel like I let all this bad shit happen to me and it’s all my fault for not telling anyone sooner.  I feel like getting in the trunk and not ever coming out.

But I won’t because that’s not effective and I want to use the DBT skills I learned over the years.  I mean, shit, I finally managed to understand Emotion Regulation.  I’m not going to throw that all away just because I’m having a difficult time right now.

This, too, shall pass.  It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

-The Sarcastic Autist