Brother, Charon, Pride

Brother and his spouse and child have been here since Thursday.  There’s been a few hiccups, but nothing major.  I went to Pride on Saturday for the first time.  It was fun.  I had therapy with Charon today.  Not so fun.  I’m pretty shut down for things.

With Charon, it’s just… I don’t want to start going into things when I won’t have support after a few weeks.  As it is, I’m trying to lock things away until I’m in a safe enough space mentally and physically to handle it.  I gave really non-committal answers in therapy today because she was wanting to get into things that I didn’t want to.  I mentioned how my brother spanks his kid and I sternly told him we don’t hit.  In private, I told my brother my stance on spanking and we came to a compromise of him not doing it in front of me.  If I’m not there, I can’t care.  When I told Charon about it, she asked what spanking was like for me.  I mentioned the belt briefly and said that apparently my brother got the metal bit and I was unaware of it.  I got the not metal bit.  I didn’t go into any detail further than that because I’m not opening up that can of worms without having a stable support system.

However, I’ve pretty much checked out emotionally.  I’m really detached to what’s happening.  Mostly because I keep stepping back and sitting in the Passenger Seat of Awareness or whatever I had coined it.  I’m just locking up all my emotions into a little box and tossing it in the back of the closet.  I am not dealing with them right now.

I’m not even sure I want to continue therapy anymore.  I probably should.  I don’t know.

My brother keeps bringing up shit from our childhood.  Half of it I don’t even remember since I’ve blocked it all off.  Everyone else only ever talks about the good stuff that happened or about my mum or my brother, but my brother will talk about things he and I both went through or just about me.  He talks a lot about the bad stuff.  Even major stuff I don’t remember.  It really freaks me out.  The stuff I remember freaks me out because I don’t like thinking about it and it gives me flashbacks and panic attacks.  The stuff I don’t remember freaks me out because I don’t fucking remember.

On the bright side, Pride was fun.  I went with Luffy and a bunch of other friends.  We’re planning on going together next year.  I got excited anytime I saw other trans folx or non-binary people or anyone really.  I got a free mom hug.  I wanted a free dad hug but I was too afraid to ask the guys who wore the shirts.  I got a non-binary flag and a few pronoun pins and I drank a shit ton of lemonade.

It was fun.

-The Sarcastic Autist