Therapy Quests

Okay, so I said I’d come up with some goals/things I wanted to work on in therapy and that I was going to label it “Therapy Quests” and I did. I’ve come up with a few.

The Quests

Quest One: I want to feel valued and loved.  I want to stop feeling like I don’t matter and that I’m not loved.

Quest Two: I want to feel worthy of love.  I want to stop feeling like I don’t deserve people being nice to me and I want to stop feeling like there’s always an ulterior motive.

Quest Three: I want to feel competent.  I want to stop feeling like I mess everything up and like I ruin everything.

Quest Four: I want to get a good night’s sleep on a regular basis.  I want to sleep without fucking nightmares and night terrors and waking up in a cold sweat with a scream caught in my throat.

Quest Five: I want to feel more grounded in the present.  I want to stop slipping into the past in flashbacks and memories.

 

That’s it. I think those are good goals/quests. For Quest One, I hadn’t realized I still had such a problem with accepting that people like me.  I was telling Okaasan about how Charon had said she enjoyed how my unique way of going about things made her have to think more creatively in treating me and how I thought that was a funny way of saying I could be difficult and Okaasan said that I’ve always been a challenge and a difficult child.  It’s the way she said it, making it seem like I do it on purpose and that I’m the problem child.  That conversation with Okaasan ended up making me feel like Charon was more than glad to get rid of me because I’m such a brat.

In my graduation card for DBT, Charon wrote that she’d miss me and that she had grown fond of me.  I’m going to be honest with you guys, it made me cry.  She didn’t have to write that.  I was expecting her to write that she was happy we were done because of how much of a pain I am.  Nothing Charon ever said or did indicated that she thought I was a bitch of a client.  My own self-perception made me believe a falsehood.  When I was talking to Kuma-chan about it, she said that she loved me because we’re best friends, not out of obligation.  It’s really challenging my outlook on myself and cementing that I need to stop listening to Okaasan about shit.

For Quest Two, I don’t feel like people should love me, or even like me. I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me at my core being.  That may be because of how my family treats me and my track record of abusive relationships.  For a majority of my life, whenever someone said they loved me, they meant “I like that you do stuff for me and if you stopped doing things for me or made me mad, I’ll stop showing you affection and being nice to you”.  It fucks with a person’s own self-worth.

Quest Three came from me constantly feeling like I fuck shit up a lot.  I straight up do not know how to do a lot of things.  I need help with stuff I feel is simple, like looking for an apartment or school forms or any forms or even expressing my feelings.  I also don’t feel I’m good at anything. I feel mediocre a lot.  I think I mostly just feel lost trying to navigate things that other people seem to find easy.

Quest Four is pretty self-explanatory.  I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors and a good night’s sleep is hard to come by.  The DBT Nightmare Protocol hasn’t proven to work well for me.  I keep trying it, though.  Eventually, something has to work, right?

The final Quest on my list is probably going to be the hardest one, to be honest.  Quest Five needs to wait to be worked on until I get my own place.  I don’t feel safe where I am and that’s part of the issue.  I didn’t feel safe at home when I was doing Exposure Therapy and that was a huge part of why I didn’t work as hard on it as I should have.  I feel less safe than I did before.  It’s not that I’m being physically or sexually abused right now.  It’s more emotional and mental shit that’s coming at me from both Okaasan and Oniisan.  And it’s also so fucking noisy here now.

That’s all for now.  Thank you for reading.

Blessed Be,

The Sarcastic Autist

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