Inadequate

I’d been wanting to wait to post until I got an update regarding housing stuff, but there seems to be a delay with the background check or something. I’ve been having a hell of a time and decided to update despite that.

I’m going to continue seeing that new therapist.  I’m going to have to come up with a name for her on here.  She seems nice enough.  I saw her Wednesday, Cybele yesterday, and Styx today.  Been a bit of a busy week for me.

I’m close to having a huge meltdown because of all the shit going on here.  I was looking forward to having chilli for weeks and finally got everyone on board with how we were going to do it and my mum fucked up the beans.  I prepare them a certain way and she decided that she knew better and switched the prep half-way through.  I told her when I found out that I give up and I’m no longer going to make the chilli.  She fucked up, she can tell my brother and she can make the beans.

She tried to say I never told her that when I had to explain to my brother why I didn’t cook the beans.  If she keeps that shit up, I’m going to tell her that we need to get her checked out since she’s having so many memory problems with things I’ve told her.

She’s back to treating me like shit.  She is always praising my brother and my nephew and thanking them for shit and she hardly ever thanks me for stuff.  She doesn’t even tell me she loves me unless someone else is listening.

I just feel so inadequate right now.  My brother can do all these things that are just baffling to me and I’m just… I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.  I get so overwhelmed so easily, even more so now because there’s no escape from the noise.

Nephew is constantly making loud noises, which is legit, he’s 5.  He’s going to make noise.  He just scream-cries a lot and then his parents yell at him and that scares me.  It makes my anxiety go through the roof and I’ve had a few panic attacks and it’s triggering flashbacks and memories of childhood shit.  I can’t deal with this.  I’ve tried talking to them about the yelling and they yelled at me about telling them how to parent their kid.  I feel like I’m being selfish but I’m not tolerating this shit well.

I’ve been having an increase in migraines and such and I’m pretty sure it’s because of the stress of being here.  It’d be helpful if I could leave the house more, but I can’t do much when I get migraines.  Even today I’ve been fighting the pre-migraine nausea.  I’m getting really sick of everyone’s disregard for me.

I’m just holding out to when I can move out.  It shouldn’t be too long now.

I hope.

-The Sarcastic Autist